R&R

Whooo. OK How many days since my last posting? When was the last time I had internet? How about fucking hot water? Geez... So much has happened, and yet not. Well, lets get to the story as it stands now... Your Intrepid Reporter is in Baghdad, Land that Sanitation and Good Manners Forgot, and will be for the next 24 hours. Then, I sky.

YES!!!

R&R after 5 or so months... 5 and some change actually. Time to kick the dirt offa da bootz and roll to the House, Cold Beer, kids and a warm and (hopefully) Willing Wife... truthfully, she'd damned well better be willing after this long assed enforced celibacy... anyways... Well, lets see...

When we last left the IR, he'd been forced to work long hard assed hours. Nothings changed there. No time off, no internet and no fun. The only relief has been the occasional Extreme Sport of "Drinking Outside The Wire" at the Iraqi bars. A sport not for the faint of heart, nor even the fucking sane. Despite the Militarys enforcement of "No Booze No Fun No Sex" General Order Number One, which happens to end with a codicile written in 'weasel speak' (meaning lawyerese) that "And if we haven't thought of it and written it here, it too, is strictly prohibited." Well, despite that I say "Fuck it." and go for it. I mean what sort of Contractor would I be if I didn't bend the rules now and again? I mean hell... My wife sez there is no 'Black and White' with me, just 'Shades of Grey' as the Dead song goes. I mean as I say "No harm, no foul" then hey? Sometimes you just gotta say "What the fuck?"

Now before I quote Tom Cruise again, I'll pause to beat my head with a fucking mallet, and then I'll continue... So as I was saying, the internet has been totally dicked up lately. Only recently did the genuises I work with figure out how to get it running so I'm good. Fat lot of good of course, seeings that I'm leaving tomorrow, but given the option of staying? OH HELL NO! So yeah, I finally finished the Compound that I was tasked into costructing. Head Hajji Overseer again. Unlike the last job I did back in '04, this one was pretty smooth, albeit that we got ripped of by the Haj on our generators... they said they were new, but two days into the running of them, the fucking muffler broke off of one of them, and the other one runs like a fucking poorly tuned Asthmatic Yugo. Have you ever stood close to a 30K generator running flat out? Think LOUD. Like holy shit loud. Now, imagine it if you can, being even louder. The muffler keeps it so that you can think... without it? the damned thing sounds like a Kenworth running at 110 miles an hour flat out. LOUD LOUD. As in "shakes the fucking walls down" loud. So I get the blame.

Oh yeah... did I mention I have a new boss? I'll refrain from going off... lets just say he looks about a Large Long in an Orange Jumpsuit and I was pricing Machetes in the PX yesterday. Dude had better remember that this IS Iraq and accidents and "The Dirty Haj" do happen.

So yeah, I have to show one pic of the construction :

This is when they started to lay the T-Walls which are supposed to protect us from mortar and rocket attacks, and yes, the Hajji supervising is in fact digging deep in his asscrack. Yeah... "IMPORTANT Note to self... do NOT shake hands with the foreman." The dude kept working that hand there to the point it was obvious that he had 'something' wrong and man, there is just waaaaaaaay too much info just in the fact that I didn't INTEND on that picture being taken. I was snapping away and I happened to catch him at it, but considering the frequency that he was doing it, I'm surprised that ALL the pics of him didn't show "Mister Itchy Ass Haj" doing it in all of them.... Ugh... what a country...

So on other news... One serious note... According to GlobalSecurity dot Org, there have been 38 US Service men and women Killed/Named KIA since the Obamamessiah took office. How many of them have you heard of?

Ahhh thats right... you won't or haven't. The Mass Corporatemedia, also as I call them, the Demomediamania Mob, made up of the likes of the Communist News Network and such have downplayed the loss of our brave warriors. How many times did the media slavishly and completely run every single casualty when Bush was in office or when McCain was running for office, being dragged into the spotlight and laid bloody at the feet of the Republicans? How many families were devastated by these fucking vultures and scum-monkeys by being asked "How does it feel that your son/daughter died for George Bush's war?" Hmmn... like I said... it's time to target the media... physically. If you're a vet, the next time a newman comes over to you, just knock him the fuck out, or, if you're disabled, hose 'em down with Bear Mace. It's the least they deserve. I mean how many times did those Goddamned Vultures DEMAND the right to film at Delaware when the coffins were being offloaded? A couple of hundred that I could see. Now? Not so much. Fuckers. "Freedom of the press?" Howabout the freedom to kick your scummy fucking ass when I get the chance?

I'm truly disgusted. 38 of our best, killed, but no one fucking mention or honor... the Media Clowns used to cover every single death... granted they had an agenda, and I disagree the way they did it, but at least they still allowed America to see that our best had fallen, and allowed the rest of America to pause and maybe reflect, or even say -GASP- a prayer for them and/or for thier families...

Now these fucking douchebag fucking worms hide and bury the news, so as to not 'stain' their "Chosen One." I swear to God in Heaven that when I hit the States tomorrow, if theres a media crew there filming or asking or interviewing troops, I'll have a tough time restraining myself.

Anyways... gotta stop thinging about it... it gets the blood boiling and I got my Irish up so to speak. I'll leave it at this: I'm final;ly going to be home for a while, and am looking hard forward to it, so I may update when I'm there, but that remains to be seen... I'm just thrilled to be going home to my family, cold beer, hot, clean water and flushable toilets. No more blue water poo boxes for 3 weeks!!! Until then, I'll holler at you later!

Hi Ho Its On to Iraq I Go...

Fuck it. Let me start by getting that out of the way. I finally made a choice and it's Iraq. It's a case of outright retardedness on my point I know. Its a matter of straight economics. I mean what with the meltdown going on worldwide, and in the States, it's the only logical thing for me to do.

The two choices were Japan and Iraq. Most people would be like "Huh thats a no brainer!" and go with the Land of The Rising Sun and Godzilla movies. Me too normally, up until the company in question made me, as Brando said, "An offer I couldn't refuse." I mean when that much money gets flashed metaphorically speaking under one's nose, and you are first and foremost a Mercenary at Heart, then hell... Iraq here I come.

I was sorely tempted by Japan mind you... to the point now I actually have spent the past two months learning basic Japanese and think I could at least make myself, the Giant Gaijin, (thats Whiteboy for all y'all rednecks in the audience) understood at least on a basic level. The Japanese I've found from my research are very much like the French in that if you don't speak the language, you don't rate so high, albeit like the French in that only, and not in general cowardice and foul odors. My few run ins that I had with the JDF or Japanese Defense Forces were limited in my last tour in Iraq, however there was a humorous exchange of views where when I realized that the Jap LT I was speaking to understood English, (more than 70% of Japan does) but was playing dumb so's he didn't have to talk to the Giant Big Nose Gaijin... My resolution to this obvious failure of diplomacy was to start doing what most Ugly Americans do, and that start speaking in increasing volume until I was screaming in his face. (It always cracks me up that some Americans in real life do this whole 'they don't understand so I'll scream it at them and then they'll get it' thing works.) Screaming in this dudes face left me feeling pretty satisified, especially since the liver and onions I had for lunch was decently represented. Take that ya sneaky Jap! Remember Pearl Harbort and all that other crap !!!

Now, needless to say, I'm in shift/change mode now. Iraq... Fucking Iraq...

A horrid place when last I left... befouled air stinking of burning trash and the fetid stench of unwashed Dirty Hajji. An open sore of a country, Iraq represents to me how far a 'First World' Country can fall, and how fast. Now granted, its been almost 2 years since I last rolled in, but I figure it couldn't have changed too much. Supposedly the security has changed, but the first thing that I'm going to do on hitting ground (besides verify that the Duty Free at BIAP is operational) is go see my bro Slim out at 5th Group and retrieve some firepower. If anything I want to have at least my AK or at the minimum a sidearm available. What normal person goes around Baghdad unarmed? Not this Boy let me tell you. When I left Slim had stashed and cached an big ole pile of the Big Country's Firepower. It's time to retrieve that.

So anyhow... it's a good thing I resigned the other day, leastways it makes me feel better to know if the fuzz beat my door down whilst I'm writing and also getting hammered that they ain't gonna do shit to me.

"Hammered Big Country? You ain't supposed to be doing that!"

Yes yes Dear Reader... I said to hell with it... its a Day Off, and a Payday for that matter, so it was only fair that seeing that I'm on the tail end of my tour here, that I have a little one-on-one celebration with some Windex thats called Siddique. Pronounced "Sid-Deek Key" its the Kuwaiti version of Bore Cleaner... Leastways thats how its tasting... or at least thats how it tasted when my tonsils were still operational... as of now I could probably stub a lit cigar out on my tongue and not feel it. Of course, stubbing a lit butt anywhere near my mouth might result in an explosion that blows my fucking head off, so I think I'll pass on that parlor trick for now. It's a entertaining sort of buzz... the kind that leaves you wanting to either pass out, or in my case have out-of-body rushes. I'd definitely recommend it over a NyQuil Buzz, or for that matter the Dreaded "Robo" or "Deadly DM." But more to the point I'd much rather have so Beam or even some Bombay, and I'm not much of a gin drinker. My best bet is to just enjoy what I go while I got it, and roll as they say LOL! Realistically, it's the local moonshine. Seeings how my own personal attempt at still production/beverage making ended up on the ceiling and walls of my kitchen, never mind the funk of the yeast mix that gagged me out for a week, I figgered on just buying the local brand and going for it. Considering that I've been pretty much a 'good boy' in avoiding the Black Market here in Kuwait, I entrusted a colleage to 'fill my order' so to speak. I also very generously allowed him first dibs on a glass full, and when he didn't die or go blind, I figured it was cool to booze it up myself. (Remember Dear Reader, always have a guinea pig available in Third World Countries... Take that as the "IR Travel Tip O The Day")

So that'll wrap it up, sort of like me, for now. The next installment will probably be "Siddique: The Hangover That Melted My Skull" so stay tooned.

I Need a Drink Part II

OK... a couple of you emailed me asking:

"Big Country... Why don't you just have someone mail you some booze?"

Well... Valid point. A favorite way of getting illicit hootch over here, many people including myself have been the recipients of "Care Packages" of "Liquid Love" as I like to think of it. Well all fine and dandy... theres a dozen ways to ship hootch... one of my faves is the "Substitute the Scope" game, whereby the sender replaces a jug of Scope Mouth Wash with a quality Vodka dyed with the appropriate color, be it minty green to cool refreshing blue. The only problem is getting the jug that contained the scope to be mouthwash free before reloading it with Vodka. From painful first hand experience I can tell you that if the mouthwash isn't completely cleaned out, it will give the vodka a 'cool minty' aftertaste that results in a heartburn that feels like Satan himself is trying to burn his way out from your chest. It's not much fun to be having a "...double shot of Smirnoff with a maalox chaser" let me tell you. Makes for a really vicious hangover too.

Other mailing attempts have included the "Lets put Grain Alcohol in a Rubbing Alcohol Bottle!" This is good and bad in two parts. It's a perfect disguise. Perhaps a bit too perfect. So good in that no one suspects that the alcohol in the plastic jug is potable. So bad ALSO in that no one suspects that the alcohol in the plastic jug is potable. I found myself having to desperately convince my friend that I HADN'T gone around the Booze-Hound Bend and that I WASN'T drinking Isopropyl on the Rocks, with a Twist. This while the bastard was about to pour said 190 proof Hootch into the toilet "for my own good." After a prolonged wrestling match and finally after swearing on the Eternal Soul of my Mother (sorry Mom!) did he relent and let me show him the enclosed letter explaining that I needed to drink this particular jug, rather than use it to sooth my razor burn. (In reality, it could have done both!)

The real reason I'm well behaved is that as of July here in Kuwait the Local Yokels and County Mounties have gotten themselves a new toy. One that allows them to pretty much smell booze in a sealed package. This in turn led to the single largest bust in the history of the Army Support Group here and to the point they even took pictures for posterity. That and they just wanted to tease us and show how much Booze they busted. As you can see...

...I'm sure that the MP brigade on post had one hell of a party. 90 1.75 Liters of Hootch... 66 Bottles of Vodka and the rest was Jack and Jim, respectively. We're talking "Booze Baron" levels a.k.a Homer Simpson on the amounts. And this was only because of the new handy dandy XRay Toy that the military just picked up.

To give a rough approximation, according to sources, The Black Market Value of just one jug of Jack is like anywhere from 200 to 350 US Dollars. Yeah... banning it made it a real commodity on the Black Market. My guess is that this particular batch was worth around twenty grand on the low side in resale value. Needless to say, I may want to make cash, but not at the risk of getting caught. Here in Kuwait I heard that the jail cells aren't very large... just large enough for you and your cellmate to get to know each other 'intimately.' So no thanks on that.

Me, I'll wait til November when I go on R&R.