It's been how long?

Wow.... Time flies when you're working your ass off, day after day, slaving for "The Man" and not having any down time.... Yep the IR here with not so much for the scene in The Baghdad Cafe, formerly known as the Saddam-A-Go-Go. The only thing I've been doing is 'ye olde nose to ye olde grindstone.'

Seems that "The Big Boss Man" came to town... and I'm burned out for it... Yeah... The Corporate Head honcho showed up and I'm better for it in many respects, especially since he's carried the Corporate Checkcard and Pimp-Roll-O-Cash to smooth out the purchases and such that I've been screaming about over the past few months, it's helped me with my job SIGNIFICANTLY.

My biggest issue though is there's hardly any 'skate time' Not when the guy who's in the "make or break" side of your career is sitting right behind you for 12 hours out of the day. Considering the poor bastard is working AS much if not more, then I'd be amazed... He sits and works with us all day long and then he still has to go home and be joined to the computer, as the States are like 8 hours behind us.... meaning when the Corporate Pinheads schedule a 4pm Eastern Standard telconference, we have to be up at like midnight here... AFTER having already done a fucking 12 hour shift... But it's the reason I haven't had too much commentary to throw out there as of late. I've been flat the fuck out busy busy and to the point I haven't updated anything, to include facebook, myspace or any of the other bits of entertainment you loyal readers follow me and the Not So Much Lately Adventures of the Intrepid Reporter.

But, as of late, Baghdad is quiet. The changeover between 4th Infantry Division and 1st Cavalry Division is pretty much over with now. Yep... leave it to me to be 'back with the Cav' again like I was in 04-05. I just can't seem to escape 1st Cavalry Division... it's like a reoccurring cold, or actually, considering how the Cav annoys me, I'd say it's more like having a case of herpes... flares up and annoys the shit out of you at the most inopportune times... I mean it was being in the Cav that got me hurt many many moons ago, and it was the Cav that screwed me over every time I turned around during my Med Board, and then, in 04, it was the Cav that abandoned me, Lil Country, and the rest of the CACI folks when they 'pulled the line of battle' back during a particularlly hairy week, leaving us as "Fresh Meat" for the Dirty Haj if they felt so inclinded. The Cav... as I say of the patch

"The Horse Never Ridden, The Line Never Crossed, and the Color Right Down The Back."

That about sums up 1st Cav... and I've EARNED the right to bag on that unit... Having spent 4 years and all the shit I went through, I have DEFINATELY BT-DT-GTTS.

But yeah. Baghdad is quiet. Mosul now? Not so much. Reports filtering down through various 'shall remain unnamed' sources have filled the IR up with all sorts of tales... Seems that the Surge that the Media loved to lambast but now keep their mouths shut about worked in that the US Army, combined with a newly re-energized Iraqi Military, succeeded in driving the majority of terrorists and babyrapers right out of the Capital. They headed North into Kurd Kountry... Sunni Central from my understanding of it. We've taken some casualties (another thing you WON'T hear from the media as trumpeting casualties lays it on the Obamamessiahs Lap rather than George "I'm Outta Here" Bush.) but we're still winning.

Which brings me to my point of an earlier post. I didn't get ANY responses about beating on the reporters or such ideas. I mean "Beat The Press" is such a cute bit of wordplay, and the idea of taking some of these neo-socialist fucking hacks and feeling the impact of my "mighty right fist o' death" on one of their smarmy, mewling, puking, plastic-enhanced grills, and having the satisfaction of watching caps and teeth fly like so many chicklets from a goalies' mouth.... Damn... I need a cigarette... That would be OH so nice. To see Dan Rather get stomped (even though just pushing him over or hiding his dentures would be good enough) while singing the R.E.M song for all of his inordinate Anti-American Tirades... to see all of them Tarred and Feathered properly. Properly in that the tar is heated to such a degree that said victim(s) would usually die from the 2nd and 3rd degree burns even before all the feathers could be properly applied.

I'm now OFFICIALLY on the "Anti-Press Bandwagon." The country is broke, broken and we've got nothing to show for it than a neophyte president who's wholly incapable of stringing a coherant thought into a concerted sentence without the use of a teleprompter who was elected more by a festering neo-liberal bunch of malcontents who, rather than actually do their jobs, were content to be Democratic Cheerleaders and get a man elected who, in reality, scares the ever loving shit out of me. Me? I'd prefer if The Hillaroid had gotten in... better the "Socialist Demon You Know" than the "Closet Muslim Neo-Fascist You Don't." The Press succeeded in swinging the vote, and is now complicit in hiding the ABYSSAMAL job that their chosen one is doing.

4 Trillion dollars.

4 with 12 zeros.

4,000,000,000,000.00

God Help us. I'm barely making ends meet working my ass off for the "Imperial Federal Government" and I'll be lucky if they don't chop the 'tax free' duckets off of my tax return. It's like the ONLY reason I stay here. Tax free is the ONLY reason, and making 100K a yearhelps too. No such thing as that in the states now eh?

BTW: One last note: My mailing addy has changed to

"My Name"

MNCI-C6

APO AE 09342

DSN 485-5981

The DSN Number on the bottom helps the mailroom folks to call me when the stuff shows up. Please feel free to mail me anything and everything. My "other mother" Susan sent some of the most KILLER chocolate chip cookies, which actually made it here inside of 5 days of her mailing them... My thanks for those... they rocked!!!! Any booze drugs or anything else... well, I'm NOT supposed to get them, but at this point, any and all donations are gratefully recieved. Seeings that I'll be home in the end of the month, (R&R Baby YEAH!!!) I'm really looking forward to it.

OH One more thing. Let me know if anyone wants a job over here... working with me. I'm literally hiring another Logistician, so send me them resumes to all who are interested. Until then, I remain, the Intrepid Reporter.

More and More Fun...

Election night and man, I'm wasted... so far as it would seem from my perspective that this election is doing EXACTLY the thing that the DummycRats cried about in '04 and '00. That being that the candidate who won the 'popular election' should have been given the reins of power...

Wonder how long THAT particular bit, as my Irish Gran would call a "pile o' shytte" will last once the Obamamessiah has won the electoral but not the popular vote? Amazing how the memory hole works that way eh? Lets face it... the media will call ANYONE a sore loser who attempts to link the election to a popularity contest... either that or by dawn they'll have jiggered the tally to show the "Chosen One" won the whole shebang.

My guess is that Obama will win, unfortunately. In as much as the average brain dead college student and minorities have jumped on the band wagon... seeing the highest amount of minority turnout in history... evar as they say, well, Judging that "Guilt Ridden Libtards" and the rest of the minorities (as in minorities compared to the rest of the country) have this all sewn up. The fact is that NY and CA and some of the biggest states have what I consider a far to heavy weight in the voting block. Reality is that we should be able to cut that by 1/2 in order for it to be particularly 'fair and balanced.'

But fuck, I'm drunk and rather pleased. I bought Household 6 a new fridge today... new/used would be a better term. Shes insanely pleased as its only six months old... we bought it from freinds who decided that Florida wasn't the place for them. They moved here from Massachusetts only like six or eight months ago and are bailing...right before winter... leaving HERE for where it snows or already has snowed... Here where some broads still wear short shorts on the daily walk...

Confused?

Yeah... me too. However, the good side is I profit. As Lt. JG Nicholas Holden said in "Operation Petticoat": "In confusion, there is profit!" New fridge anyone? This also allowed me to make a small purchase for myself... tit for tat so to speak. Specifically: I bought myself a new M-4 Carbine.

Yepper... note to you guys out there with domestic issues... if you want to buy a new fishing rod/gun/bowling ball... buy her a new fridge/washer/dryer/dishwasher... after that you could buy a massage from a Chinese whore and get away with it.

So yeah, new gun, new fridge and hey fuck it, new president... either way two out of three ain't bad I suppose. The latest is that I'm out of here on Saturday Morning for Fort Benning Georgia. No fucking fun with that. I'd rather sit in the front row of a Liza Minelli concert... wait wait wait... scratch that... I'd have to self-immolate myself before that would happen. The plan stands that I'm going to be over in Baghdad on November 16th. The BEST part is I'm flying first class all the way. It's nice to have finally gotten the brass ring so to speak. I hope like hell things stay relatively stable for the next few months as I'm trying to angle this gig into a job that will allow me to go overseas and continue to come home waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more regularly for fun and games as one would say.

Anyways... enough for now... Later I'll go into how the Obama Election is helping the firearms industry...

Hi Ho Its On to Iraq I Go...

Fuck it. Let me start by getting that out of the way. I finally made a choice and it's Iraq. It's a case of outright retardedness on my point I know. Its a matter of straight economics. I mean what with the meltdown going on worldwide, and in the States, it's the only logical thing for me to do.

The two choices were Japan and Iraq. Most people would be like "Huh thats a no brainer!" and go with the Land of The Rising Sun and Godzilla movies. Me too normally, up until the company in question made me, as Brando said, "An offer I couldn't refuse." I mean when that much money gets flashed metaphorically speaking under one's nose, and you are first and foremost a Mercenary at Heart, then hell... Iraq here I come.

I was sorely tempted by Japan mind you... to the point now I actually have spent the past two months learning basic Japanese and think I could at least make myself, the Giant Gaijin, (thats Whiteboy for all y'all rednecks in the audience) understood at least on a basic level. The Japanese I've found from my research are very much like the French in that if you don't speak the language, you don't rate so high, albeit like the French in that only, and not in general cowardice and foul odors. My few run ins that I had with the JDF or Japanese Defense Forces were limited in my last tour in Iraq, however there was a humorous exchange of views where when I realized that the Jap LT I was speaking to understood English, (more than 70% of Japan does) but was playing dumb so's he didn't have to talk to the Giant Big Nose Gaijin... My resolution to this obvious failure of diplomacy was to start doing what most Ugly Americans do, and that start speaking in increasing volume until I was screaming in his face. (It always cracks me up that some Americans in real life do this whole 'they don't understand so I'll scream it at them and then they'll get it' thing works.) Screaming in this dudes face left me feeling pretty satisified, especially since the liver and onions I had for lunch was decently represented. Take that ya sneaky Jap! Remember Pearl Harbort and all that other crap !!!

Now, needless to say, I'm in shift/change mode now. Iraq... Fucking Iraq...

A horrid place when last I left... befouled air stinking of burning trash and the fetid stench of unwashed Dirty Hajji. An open sore of a country, Iraq represents to me how far a 'First World' Country can fall, and how fast. Now granted, its been almost 2 years since I last rolled in, but I figure it couldn't have changed too much. Supposedly the security has changed, but the first thing that I'm going to do on hitting ground (besides verify that the Duty Free at BIAP is operational) is go see my bro Slim out at 5th Group and retrieve some firepower. If anything I want to have at least my AK or at the minimum a sidearm available. What normal person goes around Baghdad unarmed? Not this Boy let me tell you. When I left Slim had stashed and cached an big ole pile of the Big Country's Firepower. It's time to retrieve that.

So anyhow... it's a good thing I resigned the other day, leastways it makes me feel better to know if the fuzz beat my door down whilst I'm writing and also getting hammered that they ain't gonna do shit to me.

"Hammered Big Country? You ain't supposed to be doing that!"

Yes yes Dear Reader... I said to hell with it... its a Day Off, and a Payday for that matter, so it was only fair that seeing that I'm on the tail end of my tour here, that I have a little one-on-one celebration with some Windex thats called Siddique. Pronounced "Sid-Deek Key" its the Kuwaiti version of Bore Cleaner... Leastways thats how its tasting... or at least thats how it tasted when my tonsils were still operational... as of now I could probably stub a lit cigar out on my tongue and not feel it. Of course, stubbing a lit butt anywhere near my mouth might result in an explosion that blows my fucking head off, so I think I'll pass on that parlor trick for now. It's a entertaining sort of buzz... the kind that leaves you wanting to either pass out, or in my case have out-of-body rushes. I'd definitely recommend it over a NyQuil Buzz, or for that matter the Dreaded "Robo" or "Deadly DM." But more to the point I'd much rather have so Beam or even some Bombay, and I'm not much of a gin drinker. My best bet is to just enjoy what I go while I got it, and roll as they say LOL! Realistically, it's the local moonshine. Seeings how my own personal attempt at still production/beverage making ended up on the ceiling and walls of my kitchen, never mind the funk of the yeast mix that gagged me out for a week, I figgered on just buying the local brand and going for it. Considering that I've been pretty much a 'good boy' in avoiding the Black Market here in Kuwait, I entrusted a colleage to 'fill my order' so to speak. I also very generously allowed him first dibs on a glass full, and when he didn't die or go blind, I figured it was cool to booze it up myself. (Remember Dear Reader, always have a guinea pig available in Third World Countries... Take that as the "IR Travel Tip O The Day")

So that'll wrap it up, sort of like me, for now. The next installment will probably be "Siddique: The Hangover That Melted My Skull" so stay tooned.

I Need a Drink Part II

OK... a couple of you emailed me asking:

"Big Country... Why don't you just have someone mail you some booze?"

Well... Valid point. A favorite way of getting illicit hootch over here, many people including myself have been the recipients of "Care Packages" of "Liquid Love" as I like to think of it. Well all fine and dandy... theres a dozen ways to ship hootch... one of my faves is the "Substitute the Scope" game, whereby the sender replaces a jug of Scope Mouth Wash with a quality Vodka dyed with the appropriate color, be it minty green to cool refreshing blue. The only problem is getting the jug that contained the scope to be mouthwash free before reloading it with Vodka. From painful first hand experience I can tell you that if the mouthwash isn't completely cleaned out, it will give the vodka a 'cool minty' aftertaste that results in a heartburn that feels like Satan himself is trying to burn his way out from your chest. It's not much fun to be having a "...double shot of Smirnoff with a maalox chaser" let me tell you. Makes for a really vicious hangover too.

Other mailing attempts have included the "Lets put Grain Alcohol in a Rubbing Alcohol Bottle!" This is good and bad in two parts. It's a perfect disguise. Perhaps a bit too perfect. So good in that no one suspects that the alcohol in the plastic jug is potable. So bad ALSO in that no one suspects that the alcohol in the plastic jug is potable. I found myself having to desperately convince my friend that I HADN'T gone around the Booze-Hound Bend and that I WASN'T drinking Isopropyl on the Rocks, with a Twist. This while the bastard was about to pour said 190 proof Hootch into the toilet "for my own good." After a prolonged wrestling match and finally after swearing on the Eternal Soul of my Mother (sorry Mom!) did he relent and let me show him the enclosed letter explaining that I needed to drink this particular jug, rather than use it to sooth my razor burn. (In reality, it could have done both!)

The real reason I'm well behaved is that as of July here in Kuwait the Local Yokels and County Mounties have gotten themselves a new toy. One that allows them to pretty much smell booze in a sealed package. This in turn led to the single largest bust in the history of the Army Support Group here and to the point they even took pictures for posterity. That and they just wanted to tease us and show how much Booze they busted. As you can see...

...I'm sure that the MP brigade on post had one hell of a party. 90 1.75 Liters of Hootch... 66 Bottles of Vodka and the rest was Jack and Jim, respectively. We're talking "Booze Baron" levels a.k.a Homer Simpson on the amounts. And this was only because of the new handy dandy XRay Toy that the military just picked up.

To give a rough approximation, according to sources, The Black Market Value of just one jug of Jack is like anywhere from 200 to 350 US Dollars. Yeah... banning it made it a real commodity on the Black Market. My guess is that this particular batch was worth around twenty grand on the low side in resale value. Needless to say, I may want to make cash, but not at the risk of getting caught. Here in Kuwait I heard that the jail cells aren't very large... just large enough for you and your cellmate to get to know each other 'intimately.' So no thanks on that.

Me, I'll wait til November when I go on R&R.