Sunday, October 26, 2008

Booze and Beer RULE!!!

OK: Lately it's NOT the most sobrietious set of postings... to be clean about it, I've been fucked up from the neck up nonstop since I've been home. Booze is your friend... booze is good. The only real complaint I have is because of genetic mutation (Lots of inbreeding in the Irish side of the family tree) is that I have four, count 'em FOUR (4) fully formed and functional kidneys. They found them during my full body MRI a few years back... a bit uncommon, but not unheard of. Yep... the old IR has an extra 100K worth of organs floating around in his carcass, leastways according to my Indian friends who know about Black Market Organ Transplants. I've been told that as a white male, under the age of 40, well, lets just say my organs are worth about 50 grand a shot. Well, that might be fine n' dandy for the folks who NEED a kidney, but the 'normal route' of hijacking and "Drugging and Carving" ain't happening on my watch. Hell... I look forward to some demented asshole who thinks that they can either A) Drug Me or B) Cut out my shit while I'm still breathing. Either choice is an "E Ticket" ride to the morgue. Drugging me? HA HA HA!!! Drugging me is only going to piss me off AND get me high. And B)? Bad move. Especially since I've now officially killed more motherfuckers than Anthrax. (and that means the bio-war agent, not the 80's hair band) Who wants to party?

Me? Well I'm personally annoyed that my internal 'filtration system' is so good that it costs me double the amount in booze and bucks that it should to get me boogered, but hell, what with a "4 Barrel Carb" versus a "2 Barrel Carb" I'll take the extra like any other dude would. Besides, it means like NO hangovers thusfar. This is worth the price of admissions for now.
OK Otherwise, I've been getting prepped for the new gig and ready to deploy downrange. This Pic here posted is of me and my daughter. My Pnut as it were. Any sick fucker out there had better realize that if they even LOOK at her askance, I'll slowly roast them over an open fire for fun. (And I do mean slowly... never, ever test an insane person... it only sets new goals for us to exceed) The rifle is my Accuracy International 300 Winchester Magnum which will reduce a normal human's head to a vaporized paste with one shot.

Anyone want to dance?

It cost near as much as my pickup, but then again, a contractor needs good tools... mine just happen to kill at extreeeeeeeeeme distances and with explosive force. (300 Win. Mag. is a big fucking bullet!)

NOW Speaking of insane shit... I recently had to bag out of my 20th High School Reunion because of the new mission. I posted my lil web blog on the reunion website in hopes that some of my former classmates might find this fun and entertaining. The others, well, we'll leave that there... better not to speak of some seriously fucked up people. And, yeah, you know who you are, and you are alive STRICTLY because I have a forgiving nature.

My reason is, as I spoke earlier of my sniper training (One Shot, One Kill, Ft Benning) and propensity for long distance harm, when thinking about my reunion and High School in general, I remembered the scene from "Billy Madison." Specifically the scene with Steve Buscemi as the geek who was picked on 'way back in the day' that Billy eventually phones and apologizes to. Yeah... I totally was that kid, meaning the picked on bastard... Buscemi then crosses him "off the list" and as the movie works to the finale, Buscemi actually shoots the 'bad guy' who was on the head of the list. Thats great in fantasy... with me, I would have shot them both through the fucking casaba and felt nothing but recoil...

Me, I never made a list, but in the back of my head, particularly as I was a "geek" or an "untouchable" its a good thing I don't hold a hardcore grudge, or leastways have mellowed enough for me to NOT hold a grudge. Realistically, these days, I've found God, and my family. If I didn't have that, then it'd be a whole different world...

Keep in mind to be kind...

I drill my kids on it every day. Needless to say, I never recieved that "phone call asking for forgiveness" and realistically, I'm still bent over some of the shit I went through. The fact that our 20th reunion is now, it's brought back some memories that STILL fucking piss me off, and that that some of the fucking scumbags who were TOTAL fucking cocksmiths to me NEVER got the proper payback... well, hell... I'm still bitter, pissed off, and NOW thankful for a government who trained me to be a stone cold fucking killer... I'll leave it to G*d now... vengence being His and all that... unless I get picked to be His tool... But anyways...

Lets be thankfull that I've mellowed out in my old age AND that I can't make the reunion as I'll be 'busy' in the Middle East. As some say, Thank G*d for small favors. I hope the reunion goes well, but I'm also glad to NOT be there as I really would have trouble resisting the urge to beat the fucking shit out of certain individuals or shoot them outright because as my wife says, I lack impulse control over my base emotions.

Anyways, not to go too pyschoanalytical... High School for most people sucked, but for me, I'd rather spend four years in Guantanamo Bay as a prisoner... and I say this as a former jailer... thats how bad it was. As the Irish say (which I am) "Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold."

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Drunkblogging and Other Entertainment


I'm back... back and loaded. Locked, Cocked and Loaded with bile and ammo to spare. I'm back in the fucking God Bless America Fuck the Rest of the World United States of Fuckin' America. And if the overuse of profanity offends you, then fuck you, you shouldn't be reading this then.

Reality Check: I got out of Kuwait by doing whats called an "Executive Email Carpet Bomb." This means I sent a "Hey I'm getting fucked" email to the CEO, the CFO, the COO and every single asshole who was an Executive Vice President in the ENTIRE company. Yeah... I sent out a "Hey I'm quitting but are you aware that your dirty assed employees are doing shit that could get you put in jail?" email. That and the lines of "I'm CC'ing my Lawyer and My Brother the Special Agent at the Office of the Inspector General as well." might have had something to do with it.

Now, granted, Hud ain't part of the Department of Defense Inspector General's Office, but he IS an I.G. Special Agent (read Nazi Bastard in the Governments lingo) and by his own words "knows people" and that might have helped me out. The reason being that a Special Agent in the Orifice of The Inspector General is about as popular as a fat bitch at a Catholic Junior High School dance... someone has to dance with her, and if you don't then yer fucked. Namedropping Hud's name and position is a major help in my line of work, especially as they, my crooked assed former employers, knew that to chance having and IG look at them it to invite disaster.

So, last week on Thursday I hit the US and have been drunk since. Drunk and laid I might add. Yep. Been physically assaulting with the intent to impregnate if I had the option. Not that I have to worry about making a baby as I got chopped long ago after kinder #2, as the P'Nut shortly showed up, but trying is 90% of the fun involved.

Today I started with my new company. Got treated like Royalty too.... Mr Big Country as they were calling me... I'll fill you in on it later, but so far, so good. I'll cut this short as I'm working on Buzz Number 20 now, but I'll try to give some political views later... Lots going on, and I found out my Military Mail In Vote was propbably shitcanned... so the election shows that it's goiung to be crooked as hell, and I'll get into it later. Until then, Peace and Party Time!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Well I can't say I didn't warn 'em!

Well I said in my last posting I was going to get 'stupid' on them. They really didn't quite understand that I'm a lot smarter than they give me credit for. As the Great Strategist Sun Tzu wrote: "One who knows the enemy and knows himself will not be in danger in a hundred battles." Loosely and freely interpreted, it means that by knowing the enemy and oneself, one is on solid ground tactically and strategically speaking.

Well, Stanley ASSociates has since the begining underestimated me, and thought that I'm just a "Big Ole Dumb Redneck" and not too sharp in ye old brains department. How unfortunate for them. After my rant the other night concerning the "BOHICA" (Bend Over Here It Comes Again) events of the past few days, I figured it was time to drop a grenade or two on the Higher Ups. Specifically, I did what every person thinks about doing, but rarely does.

I went online and found the Top Six Executives at Stanley ASSociates and their respective emails. I then crafted a very intelligent and pointed email and essentially threw the entire chain of command under Ye Old Bus... As in Tossed them without any benefit of any redemption except to get me the fuck out of here ASAFP. I figured that it was only fair to bitch as high as I could go, seeing that they really won't do shit for me here. I figgered that they wanted to fuck me, so it was only fair that I return the favor in spades. I emailed the CEO, CFO Executive VPs, all four of them. Suck on that fuckers!

And as they say... for my next trick: If I don't get what I want, I'm posting all them lovely email addys up here on my Blog with the intention of letting you, the Valued Readers express your contempt for these douchebags. If it works out, I'll just let it go. Escalation is such an ugly thing, but in this case, it seems to be doing JUST what I want... which is hopefully getting the hell out of here.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Now I'm Pissed

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Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I Loath this Place

Yes... Loathing... as in Fear and Loathing... a Great Man once utilized that term to describe certain aspects of his observations. I myself find it an apt comparison to how I currently feel. The main reason is I found out exactly WHY I'm still stuck in this horrid place.

It would seem, those of you who have been 'tuned in' for the past year or so would be familiar with the issue at hand... well hell let me explain from the beginning. Back in December, Christmas Eve specifically, I got in a haymaker of a car wreck with a Kuwaiti... a real live Kuwaiti. Said accident left me with about a pound and a half of extra metal in ye olde kneecap and an extra zipper to go along with the extra assholes I carry as well. (Note to the uninitiated, shrapnel scars tend to look like a puckered asshole) Well... the accident and subsequent quarter of a million dollars worth of knee reconstruction weren't enough to cover my recovery as it were.

It seems that when my passport was turned into the Kuwaiti Minitry of Immigration, the computer lit up like a knocking shop cash register on pay day, which is exactly what it was... leastways for the fucking Kuwaitis. Seems that during my 'recovery' in the States, I was tried in absentia and found guilty of who the fuck knows what. Reason I say that is that today when I was at the Immigration office, the documentation that the broad behind the counter gave me to sign was all in Arabic with no translation. I had a 'fixer' from my sponsoring company who was with me and told me that signing it was ok, but I have my reservations. For all I know I was signing a document stating I molest Great Danes or that I was "Guilty of Driving While Being a Pork Eating Crusader-Infidel." Either way, besides me signing unknown documents in a strange and forbidden tongue, I also had to fork over KD $100 for the priviledge of getting out of this fucking country. That roughly translates to over $400 US Dollars... serious fucking greenbacks man... dinero I barely have to afford eh?

Fuck me... talk about the proverbial pound of fucking flesh. At least the bastards gave me a fucking reciept, albeit even it is in some strange arabic fucking scrawl... I really don't know what possessed me to sign and fork over the ducats, but I'll be damned if I'm going to stretch out whats already been a long overdue escape.

Once I paid off, I raced back to the work site so I could give the Admin lady the reciept and let her copy it... No way am I giving up the original... that gets held onto as long as I'm still in this goddamned desert... but shge was really nice and it would seem that everythin g is in order, so I have great hopes that I'll be able to fly this weekend and get out of this place for some much deserved R&R. That and my Roomdawg hooked me some Siddique... Yeah... Back to drinking the lighter fluid again... I mean hell... at least I can enjoy the rest of myy day off.

Oh yeah... did I meantion that all of this shit happened on my fuckin day off? Yeah... NOW it's clear why I'm so salty... anyways... More later... Til then, I remain the Disgruntled IR...

Sunday, October 5, 2008

OK Something a bit different...

Anyone who knows me knows I love cartoons. I grew up habitually reading the daily comic strips, the sunday funnies and had quite an extensive collection of comics. I still read these things on a regular basis... it's just now we call them "graphic novels" and other such things to justify being a grown man who reads comics. I say to hell with that. I read and still collect comics and all other assorted illustrated ephemera that goes along with them. My personal favorites however are Looney Toons and all the other Classics like Tom and Jerry and I have the DVD collections to prove it.

Now imagine my surprise when I was surfing the other day and came across an article in the Daily Mail website detailing the artistic works of one James Cauty. His gig is to 'reinvent' classic 'toons with a new story and put a new 'spin' on them. The basis of the article was how bloody violent and horrible these images were, and was cautioned as to these aspects before being able to view them in the slideshow. My reaction? It's about damned time someone did this with cartoons. Violent? Yep. Bloody? Yep. Funny? Fuck yeah! I laughed my balls off when I saw them, and figured I have to share as this is too good to let slide by. As we see from this first:
Who hasn't wanted to see that fucking Roadrunner get his? I know in all the years of watching ole Wile E. I always wanted to see that smarmy cocky "Beep Beep" Bird get his. In the pic, you see that Cauty thought the same, and the others in his show seem to show that same "Finally they got what was coming to them!" attitude.
I mean how many times did we see Daffy in "Rabbit Season" get his head blown off? I mean myself, I always liked the Daffster more than any of the other Warner Toons. I mean he's so human. Venal, Twisted, Greedy and Grasping, he's just perfect. Cauty got this one right too. Bugs got it just a bit more radically than I would have done, but hell, it's not my art. Then, this next one we can all agree was "about time" as well:
Now I know it's an MGM Cartoon, but who hasn't wanted to see that self-righteous little fucking rat get his? I know I'm thrilled with the above... the look of satisfaction captured on Tom's face is just about right too... "Yeah... thats right... who's the cat and who's the rat? Yeah... Take THAT and THAT and THAT!!!" Hee.... God... But I saved the best for last. Try this:

Yeeeeeeah!!! "Tastes Great, Less Filling!" is the title I thought when I first saw this. I mean out of ALL the Looney Toons and out of ALL the people who I've ever talked to, almost to a person did everyone say that they positively LOATHED Tweety Bird. Between his 'widdle bird' voice that sounds like fingernails on a blackboard, to his constantly fucking over Sylvester, (who only wants to eat the little yellow bastard) FINALLY in this piece does Cauty put the final nail in Tweety's coffin so to speak. Sylvester finally gets to have himself a Tweety Snack.

Now... The funniest part about this? It seems in the "Big Brother Knows Best" nightmare that England has become, the article that I read and grabbed these images from are all a "Ooh how horrible and twisted" and " this will damage the youths who may see it." What a load of crap. Myself? I think the work is brilliant, and if I was in a position to do so, I'd be winging it to England to see the exhibition, if not outright purchase one of these 'new classics.' I just thought I had to share. Let me know what you think.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

OK... Again...When do I get to leave?

October is here, and I'm still stuck in Kuwait, working a job that's worn me down to the nub. Yes Dear Readers, The Intrepid Reporter, namely me, Big Country, is still here and even more retarded than usual. When we last left me, I was in the throes of a Siddique Induced Insanity, and hoping that the hangover wouldn't kill me. Good News, Bad News. Good News: The hangover didn't kill me, and yep, the Bad News is that the hangover didn't kill me. Que Sera Sera as they say.

I've been hoping to avoid any sort of politics as of late, but what with the insanity of our Elected Overlords pushing just about any sort of law that benefits Big Biddness or their Corporate Enslavers, what without any sort of oversight, or even giving two shits about how we, the "Common Gunclingers" feel about it. I mean really, the fact that we've essentially crossed the rubicion on the Constitution... crossed it with a vengeance, and that every person I've spoken with over here in Kuwait has pretty much said the same thing: They just don't give a shit about us anymore. My Kids Grandkids are going to be paying for this one... mark my words. The fact that they have set themselves up, and their families with enough financial padding that THEY don't want or need for anything. How about the common man? HA! Good fucking luck on that one pal. Anyways... Enough on the "Corporate Theft of Our Money" i.e. "The Bailout." It's enough to get my blood pressure into the red zone, and Lord knows, I don't need that.

Other things... Well Iraq is coming up soon. Hopefully these jokers here, my own Enslavers, will get off the fucking dime and get me some plane tickets. It's amazing how when I took this job, they couldn't get me over here fast enough. I mean like ZOOOOOOM fast. As in 'blink and you'll miss it' kind of super speed... Hell Ludicrous Speed as it were...

"Prepare for Ludicrous Speed!"

Yeah... I can't resist a Mel Brooks 'insert' but hey... it is true! They got me up and out of the gate like a damned Greyhound chasing that robo-rabbit. That was fine as I needed to earn some real money as opposed to the heavily taxed crap I was earning back at Dell. I mean what good is it to earn $40K a year and then have them take over 25% of it in taxes, if not more?

THATS the main reason I contract. Overseas money means (at least until the Obamamessiah gets elected) tax free money... which in itself is the basis for another ENTIRE subject for another time. I'll leave the Obamammama rants alone for now. Anywho... Like I said... I need for someone to get off the friggin dime and get me the hell out of here so I can have some "Quality Time" with my family. This means get me out of here so I can teach my kids how to shoot and drink enough beer to melt my cortex into my neck. That and -hopefully- spend some alone time with Household Six... even if this means sending the kids to the Demon-in-Laws or outright selling them if I have to. I'm holding on, granted by my fingernails, but man is it a struggle.

The BEST news I can share is that we're finally through Ramadan. The High Holy Days of Allah and Company are over. This means that now we can go back to having some 'normalcy' around here, albeit whats normal here wouldn't pass the smell test back home. The biggest thing to me is that now the stores are open at 'normal hours.' During Ramadan, because it involves fasting from sunup to sundown, these assclowns here close every single store and restuarant in the entire friggin country from sunup til sundown. Can't risk someone not being a good Little Islamic Monkey now and tempt them with a Mickey D's Burger now can we? Nope... we got to close everything down because otherwise someone might be tempted to eat a burger. Yeah... hows that looking for wierdness? It's the same concept of them covering their women up from head to toe with the abaya. You know... the Ninja Wimmen Look.

Yeah... They do this to and I quote: " avoid temption and bringing and inciting lust into the hearts of men, a good Muslim Woman will wear the abaya." Yep... it's all about avoiding temptation. By covering a woman up, it keeps that dirty little slut from raising temptation in the hearts of us Good God Fearing men... Like men don't have any self control? I guess if you're a Arab male then maybe they don't have any impulse control? It would explain a LOT about them AND their leaders spouting off like a bunch of Rabid Jackals like Imadinnajacket in Iran saying some of the off the wall shit he spouts. Hmmmn... methinks I might be onto something there. More exploration of that later...

Anyways, besides me being on my usual rant, I'm pleased to say that the Burgers are Back now that this fasting crap is over, and I'm able to get some premium Mickey D's again. I'm just hoping I can get back to the States within the next week so's I can compare the burgers ya know? That's it for now, I suppose I'll have more ammunition for my next little rant. Til then, I remain, The Intrepid Reporter.