Ok Dear Readers… I’m back and feeling better… the workload has been upswinging (is that a word?) and the Old Intrepid Reporter is out doing his gigs on a regular basis, attempting to maintain sanity and status in driving himself to an early grave. Baghdad has seen a bit of an uptick in the ultraviolence, but not to worry me Droogs… Ye Olde I.R. of fame and lore is safe and sound on Base.
Seems the stuff as of late has been concentrating downtown in the typical “Shiite Versus Sunni” Deathmatch, and the favorite tools of the tools in question are indiscriminate Car Bombings and such. Myself? I say we do an open invitational… get all the guys who have a beef on both sides WAY out on the edge of nowhere. The location wouldn’t have to be too far… the friggin country is a wasteland once you leave the cities… Round them all up and drop them off in a 20 mile by twenty mile enclosure, and then air drop a pile of machetes and such whatnot edged weapons in the center of the containment area. Fence it off with 20 foot high T-walls and tell them it’s a case of “Thunderdome” to the extreme.
Two/Three/However many teams enter, only one can leave. Whoever wins gets to run the show.
Problem is, these jokers for the most part these days are cowards. They use little kids to do the dirty work that they are too cowardly to do themselves. In the entire time I’ve been over here, I’ve witnessed AND participated in too many incidents where only ONE American, Singular, Beef Fed, True God Believing/Fearing Type One Each has it out with 5 or more Hajjis. In my case... it was the other night when I went out for a cold beer and a dinner in Baghdad. Two of the waiters decided to beef, and then all holy hell broke loose.
I was there with my bro from back in 04, codenamed “Grumpy” as he’s a retired First Shirt who thinks the Army has gone to hell in a handbasket. He’s only a few years older than I am, but salty? Can you say Dead Sea salty? Grumpy thinks that these guys are too pampered, what with the ‘net, sat-phones, AC and all that other jazz that we NEVER had in Gulf One (yeah… remember that one?) so he tends to be sort of grumpy and pissed off on a regular basis, (hence the codename) and has what’s been referred to as the “Poo-Face.” The Poo-Face being the look a father gets the first time he opens up a diaper for the first time, and gets a load of what his prodigy has sprung forth. Yep… The Poo-Face.
Well, long story short: The bar went into “Mayhem Mode” and I got pissed off when my $22 steak ate the floor. Up to that point, I was going to stay the fuck out of it, as messing in a Bar in Baghdad when the Locals decide to get frisky can be potentially lethal. However, when the steak got rendered Hors De Combat, it was on like Donkey Kong… Or maybe King Kong? Whatever…. Anyways, I jumped up and waded in and, with Grumpy at my back we had the shitfest settled in about 45 seconds. Can’t really say that I blame them… I roared in a Drill Sergeant voice “AT THE FUCK EASE!!!!” as I waded in, and which I’m sure that they didn’t understand, but they DID get that the 340 pound six foot four American Gorilla was perturbed and was choke slamming motherfuckers to the floor left and right.
You’ve NEVER seen a room mellow and clear so fast.
Needless to say, dinner was on the house, as well as all the beer I wanted. The Maître d was falling all over me… I swear it had to be Man-Love Thursday or something because this guy kept giving me the Ay-Rab kiss on both cheeks (how French!) and offering me a job. I told him he couldn’t afford me. (man... now I sound like the whore I am!) I mean hell do I look like I want to become the “Dalton” of Baghdad? Hell no!
Ok… the editor has been heard from, and to clear up the obscure reference and to quiet the geek down, the Dalton line is a throwaway from the Patrick Swayze ‘Roadhouse’ movie where he plays a ‘cooler’ (I guess that’s slang / kool-dood lingo for a professional bouncer) named Dalton. This dude here wanted me on as nightly security. Fun is fun, but damned if I don’t not get enough sleep as it is.
So otherwise, while perusing and sliding around the ‘net I found this gem that I lifted shamelessly from the brit Daily Mail website… (my comments are in the parenthesis.)
Luxury yachts offer pirate hunting cruises
Luxury ocean liners in Russia are offering pirate hunting cruises aboard armed private yachts off the Somali coast. (Sounds fun! Where and who do I have to talk to to sign up? Can we take friends? I'm sure Bob Owens from Confederate Yankee would love to go! How about a group package deal?)
Wealthy punters pay £3,500 per day to patrol the most dangerous waters in the world hoping to be attacked by raiders. (A bit on the pricey side but still….)
When attacked, they retaliate with grenade launchers, machine guns and rocket launchers, reports Austrian business paper Wirtschaftsblatt. (OH HELL YEAH!!!! Git some!!!)
Passengers, who can pay an extra £5 a day for an AK-47 machine gun and £7 for 100 rounds of ammo, are also protected by a squad of ex special forces troops. (Wonder if they will give me a discount as I don’t need a former Spetnaz bodyguard, and do they have a bulk ammo discount? I mean if I get to go, and go ‘live’ I’m planning on eating up the proverbial Metric Fuck-ton of ammo)
The yachts travel from Djibouti in Somalia to Mombasa in Kenya. (Getting there is half the fun I suppose)
The ships deliberately cruise close to the coast at a speed of just five nautical miles in an attempt to attract the interest of pirates. (Ye Olde “Bait and Switch”…I LOVE IT! Just like the British Navy used to do with “Q” boats to take out U-Boats… make the fuckers think you’re a lamb, then show them that yer the wolf!)
"They are worse than the pirates," said Russian yachtsman Vladimir Mironov. "At least the pirates have the decency to take hostages, these people are just paying to commit murder," he continued. (wah wah wah...And of course, a killjoy has to be heard from… How much you bet Mr. Vlad The Yachtsman has a small arsenal to protect himself on his tub?)
Is that the GREATEST piece of marketing you’ve ever heard of? Legalized Terrorist Hunting! Talk about a brilliant “The Best Offense is a Good Defense” kind of thing… I mean for real… They attack, and expect to ransom you or your boat. What to do? Go out and lure them in, and cull them. It’s magnificently Darwinian in many ways. Free enterprise at work! Only the truly desperate or retarded would now think about hitting a cruise ship in the East African Ocean… Oh well Stupid is as stupid does I suppose. I mean it frees up any and ALL governments from looking like bullies, and helps elimnate a pesky problem.
And for the bleeding hearts out there who say “But they are so poor and it's America's fault yadda yadda…” Hey… Fuck you. After seeing the Iraqis bounce back, the only reason the Somalis don’t get their shit together is that they’re a bunch of ignorant malcontents who live on the hard work of others, as well as our food donations. Their tribal chiefs LIKE the situation and don't want to change it because they are in charge... rebuilding and reorganizing means they'd have to give up their little fiefdoms, and there ain't no WAY they are going to allow that. Hell we have the same issue brewing back in the states... Ever heard of "Term Limits" Senator Kennedy? Hell, the first thing these tin-pot shitheads do when they take over a country is line the intelligentsia of the nation against a wall and summarily execute them. I just wish all those neo-sixties retreads teaching in our hallowed halls could see that. The first people on the 'disposal' lists are those who empowered them to begin with. For historical facts, look at Pol Pot, Stalin, Mao and the current "Gargoyle of the Year" Dear Leader Kim "Kid N Play Called: He Wants His Hairstyle Back" Il-Jong.
Either way, I should really look into starting up my own little business like this… I mean for real… talk about a potential cash cow. And it’s all legal. The laws of defending oneself on the ocean has LONG been established. So fucking what if they are making money off of “murder.” I don’t see it as murder by a long shot… more like pest control and eradication. I think I’ll see if Lil Country is up for this for his honeymoon… it’d sure be a cruise to remember!
Until the next writing bug bites… I’m gonna hit the fartsack and count nekkid wimmen. Until then I remain, The Intrepid Reporter.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Rebel Rouser
Yes folks.... The IR back again with the latest and greatest from Iraq... but in this case, Iraq takes a sideline. My dad, as those of you know, cashed in this past month, and truthfully, it's been a bitch for the ole Intrepid Reporter to have much to say... those who know me have been in shock, and many have emailed me asking "What the fuck?"... well I'm here to tell you, the verbal abuse I had was directly influenced by the Old Man, and in his passing, I just have had one hell of a time being able to write. Call it the "Death of my Muse/Father." Dad didn't teach me much to be honest...his athletic skills rated right up there with a retarded child in a wheelchair and the only things he ever really taught me how to do, as well as FedBro (my baby brother) was how to drive and shoot, and most improtantly, how to WRITE.
Thusly, its a motherfucker to try and capture the moment, but thankfully due to lugubrious amounts of liquid mind lubricant (Smirnoff 100 proof) that I'm now capable of formulating a coherent thought. The title of this blog is "Rebel Rouser." This is a Duane Eddie classic rock song that, since the Old Man cashed, has been my 'monument' to him in that, as a child of the 50's, Dad LOVED Duane Eddie, and the music that was produced. Every time I start getting ripped, I play it, and hoist one for the Old Man, and hopefully, somehwhere, he's smiling, and if we're lucky, he's hoisting right along side of me.
The othe reason for this post, well... truthfully, one of the few things that was passed on to me, well, as stupid as it sounds, was his ability with a Zippo. Yep. The Old Man, being a child of the "smoking generation" was the ability to manipulate a Zippo Lighter like a fucking Ninja with Nunchucks. I was getting plastered about 15 minutes before this (truth being I'd been getting hammered all night) but the realization that I had my "Countries INC" lighter (Zippo, type one each) and was flipping it, whipping it, and generally doing what would be considered 'bar tricks' with it, whe it hit me, "Hey... here's another thing the Old Man taught me."
Once I realized it, it was like a ephiphani. Dad, being a "Doctor of Some Literary Rupute" (published in like 60 languages and 148 countries), that his true worth was more to me in his day-to-day things that, at the time, seemed minor, but now have a great impact. I'm a ninja master of the Zippo because of him. And it's something, being that my baby bro has never nor EVER will be a smoker, is sort of a 'secret club member' with him. I mean my baby bro ALWAY had cars with Dad, and I was barely a motorhead to say the least, but having this ONE thing that was shared to me, well Hell, its special. Iknow to those of you you who are out there say "So fucking what?", but to me, the ability to one-hand-snap-and-light has new meaning to me, and now, ya'll can look forward to more postings, as I think I've now buried the demons of the past behind me.
Best Regards until my next, I remain, the Intrepid Reporter
Thusly, its a motherfucker to try and capture the moment, but thankfully due to lugubrious amounts of liquid mind lubricant (Smirnoff 100 proof) that I'm now capable of formulating a coherent thought. The title of this blog is "Rebel Rouser." This is a Duane Eddie classic rock song that, since the Old Man cashed, has been my 'monument' to him in that, as a child of the 50's, Dad LOVED Duane Eddie, and the music that was produced. Every time I start getting ripped, I play it, and hoist one for the Old Man, and hopefully, somehwhere, he's smiling, and if we're lucky, he's hoisting right along side of me.
The othe reason for this post, well... truthfully, one of the few things that was passed on to me, well, as stupid as it sounds, was his ability with a Zippo. Yep. The Old Man, being a child of the "smoking generation" was the ability to manipulate a Zippo Lighter like a fucking Ninja with Nunchucks. I was getting plastered about 15 minutes before this (truth being I'd been getting hammered all night) but the realization that I had my "Countries INC" lighter (Zippo, type one each) and was flipping it, whipping it, and generally doing what would be considered 'bar tricks' with it, whe it hit me, "Hey... here's another thing the Old Man taught me."
Once I realized it, it was like a ephiphani. Dad, being a "Doctor of Some Literary Rupute" (published in like 60 languages and 148 countries), that his true worth was more to me in his day-to-day things that, at the time, seemed minor, but now have a great impact. I'm a ninja master of the Zippo because of him. And it's something, being that my baby bro has never nor EVER will be a smoker, is sort of a 'secret club member' with him. I mean my baby bro ALWAY had cars with Dad, and I was barely a motorhead to say the least, but having this ONE thing that was shared to me, well Hell, its special. Iknow to those of you you who are out there say "So fucking what?", but to me, the ability to one-hand-snap-and-light has new meaning to me, and now, ya'll can look forward to more postings, as I think I've now buried the demons of the past behind me.
Best Regards until my next, I remain, the Intrepid Reporter
Saturday, May 23, 2009
...and Back in Baghdad...
OK friends and neighbors. Back again. This time with a legit update on casual observations I’ve made here in the Land of The Baghdad Café. Ye Olde Intrepid Reporter had a tough one, what with his Dad getting a bad case of the “deads” and all, but seeing that I’ll be home shortly to celebrate his life and see my wife and kids, that about evens the score. So, as the late great Paul Harvey used to say…”Stand by…for NEWS!”
One observation in the ‘supposed’ drawdown is the uptick in Iraqi military activity. I’m not giving any secrets away because even the bloody insurgents can tell the difference between the US troops (grey-digital ACU uniforms) and the Iraqis, (desert tan old style US camo) Seems that the Iraqis, from my observations, are getting more ‘hot n heavy.’ A few weeks ago I was on Route Irish, formerly known by Newsweek magazine as “The SINGLE most DANGEROUS section of highway in the known Universe” (quick aside: my how things have changed!) and as I rolled down the pockmarked pavement, what should I see but a convoy of Iraqis.
Not just any convoy tho. I counted one T-72 Echo model, one T-55 with IR spotlight and night vision variant, two BMP-1 export models, a World War II vintage armored car and an MT-LB Command Track all being moved on what appeared to be the old US Army prime mover flatbeds. Now at first, I thought that these were more ‘trophy’ vehicles. To explain, the Army LOVES taking and shipping the old armor that the Iraqis either abandoned or lost to us and sending it back home so they can park it in front of the Unit’s buildings as a “See what we captured?” For the most part it’s bullshit, heaping , steaming, type: many each. The unit “captured” in that they went down to a muddy field where the tank/apc/whatever has been sitting since the Haj abandoned it in 2003, dug it out of the mud, slapped a fresh coat of paint on it, and then bring it back home to the States to display in some byzantine display of “pseudo-military prowess on the battlefield” Anyways, I digress per usual:
The stuff I was seeing was completely refurbished. As in if not factory new, at least depot-level refinished. Now to those of you just arriving, you may ask “Hey Big Country, how do you know what those tracks were?” Well, for the pencil waving editor, I’ll provide the following. My first MOS (military occupational specialty a.k.a. as my job) was 11 H or Hotel, which was Heavy Anti-Armor Weapons Infantryman. Means I was a tank-killer, and that tank identification was and still is my bread and butter. How many guys do you know who were given a complete set of “Janes All The Worlds Armor” identification books for Christmas? And I don’t mean the little paperback jobbies… but the gorilla two-grand- a-book ID books that even some libraries have trouble getting. Mom and Dad thought they were the PERFECT gift for their lunatic TOW-Gunning son of a gun. Ergo, I’m a fucking expert who still as a hobby lives and breathes Armor ID.
Now, the interesting part on this was as the same day I saw the tanks being moved downtown, I also saw something that reflexively froze my blood in my veins. I was on my way out to Sather when I heard a helicopter overhead. Now, being here for 5 years, I can tell you much like any Vietnam vet can tell you if it’s a Huey overhead or not. I can pretty much distinguish between a Blackhawk, Kiowa, Apache, and a Chinook. On occasion, there are the odd Hueys, being Bell 206’s that the Iraq Government uses, but this time it was different… A deep resonant bass sound… Loud… make that LOUD!!! And thevibration emanating ran from my chest to my inner ear it was so deep and loud. I looked up.. and what do my eyes behold:
One observation in the ‘supposed’ drawdown is the uptick in Iraqi military activity. I’m not giving any secrets away because even the bloody insurgents can tell the difference between the US troops (grey-digital ACU uniforms) and the Iraqis, (desert tan old style US camo) Seems that the Iraqis, from my observations, are getting more ‘hot n heavy.’ A few weeks ago I was on Route Irish, formerly known by Newsweek magazine as “The SINGLE most DANGEROUS section of highway in the known Universe” (quick aside: my how things have changed!) and as I rolled down the pockmarked pavement, what should I see but a convoy of Iraqis.
Not just any convoy tho. I counted one T-72 Echo model, one T-55 with IR spotlight and night vision variant, two BMP-1 export models, a World War II vintage armored car and an MT-LB Command Track all being moved on what appeared to be the old US Army prime mover flatbeds. Now at first, I thought that these were more ‘trophy’ vehicles. To explain, the Army LOVES taking and shipping the old armor that the Iraqis either abandoned or lost to us and sending it back home so they can park it in front of the Unit’s buildings as a “See what we captured?” For the most part it’s bullshit, heaping , steaming, type: many each. The unit “captured” in that they went down to a muddy field where the tank/apc/whatever has been sitting since the Haj abandoned it in 2003, dug it out of the mud, slapped a fresh coat of paint on it, and then bring it back home to the States to display in some byzantine display of “pseudo-military prowess on the battlefield” Anyways, I digress per usual:
The stuff I was seeing was completely refurbished. As in if not factory new, at least depot-level refinished. Now to those of you just arriving, you may ask “Hey Big Country, how do you know what those tracks were?” Well, for the pencil waving editor, I’ll provide the following. My first MOS (military occupational specialty a.k.a. as my job) was 11 H or Hotel, which was Heavy Anti-Armor Weapons Infantryman. Means I was a tank-killer, and that tank identification was and still is my bread and butter. How many guys do you know who were given a complete set of “Janes All The Worlds Armor” identification books for Christmas? And I don’t mean the little paperback jobbies… but the gorilla two-grand- a-book ID books that even some libraries have trouble getting. Mom and Dad thought they were the PERFECT gift for their lunatic TOW-Gunning son of a gun. Ergo, I’m a fucking expert who still as a hobby lives and breathes Armor ID.
Now, the interesting part on this was as the same day I saw the tanks being moved downtown, I also saw something that reflexively froze my blood in my veins. I was on my way out to Sather when I heard a helicopter overhead. Now, being here for 5 years, I can tell you much like any Vietnam vet can tell you if it’s a Huey overhead or not. I can pretty much distinguish between a Blackhawk, Kiowa, Apache, and a Chinook. On occasion, there are the odd Hueys, being Bell 206’s that the Iraq Government uses, but this time it was different… A deep resonant bass sound… Loud… make that LOUD!!! And thevibration emanating ran from my chest to my inner ear it was so deep and loud. I looked up.. and what do my eyes behold:
A Hind. A motherfucking Hind… Mi-24D model… The reason we developed the AH-64. A pure-d BADASS mo’fo of a Warbird. The Bane of the Afghan Mujadaheen (back when we wuz still buddies) up until we gave them the Stinger MANPAD (typical jihadist… no sense of loyalty or gratitude) and when I was in the Army, the feared and preferred weapon of out adversary, which makes a distinct sound when flying at you… Flying in Iraqi colors no less!Seems between the Heavy Armor and the Hinds I’ve seen cruising around lately, one of two things are happening. One is that the Iraqis are beefing up and not going to take any more shit from anyone or Two, well…
Hell… I got nothing. The amount of firepower that I’ve seen the Iraqis fielding lately is immense, and I HOPE bodes well for our guys starting to ramp down. Granted the Maliki Government doesn’t want us to go, seeing that there are ten thousand political parties/loyalties here and this government is pretty weak in the hinterlands, but the Iraqi Military might be getting into a position to take over. I mean with the firepower they are accruing, it sure is as hell possible we might see a “Saddam the 2nd” except under the guidance of the “Kinder Gentler” United States and whatever puppet is currently in charge there. It could happen. The majority of Middle Eastern States LIKE having a strongman in charge… ye olde ‘velvet covered iron fist’ ideal. I guess we’ll just have to watch and see, and see what cooks over the next few months.
Stay tuned as it’s bound to be interesting.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Dr. Dad.....May19, 1942 to May 6th 2009
With great sadness I announce the passing of my father, Dr. Dad. at 1055am on Wednesday May 6th, 2009. He died peacefully and slipped away while I was on the phone with the family... he waited until we were all together. I’m staying on here, per his wishes, and Mom is being supported by #2 Son , His wife and Household Six. There will be a Celebration of his Life in New Hampshire at a time to be determined. I leave with this prayer written by my brother in arms, “Lil Country”: :
Subject: for your father
Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.
Amen.
Our Father, who art in heaven
hallowed be thy Name,
thy kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those
who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.
Lord our Father, please watch over Bill Sr. the father of my best friend. Keep him well at your side with his faithful companion Bomber. Understand his faults and forgive him his vices. He is a good and honorable man and he will stand at your side when he is called from this world. Knowing his son as I do I ask you try not to irritate him, the Irish have such ill tempers. If you feel the need to tame his spirit, a few shots of whiskey should suffice. His council will be indispensable as I am sure you know, after all, you did make him the man he is. Please guard his soul among your most cherished so that when his family arrives at your gates he and Bomber will be there to welcome them.
I ask this of you in the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit,
Subject: for your father
Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.
Amen.
Our Father, who art in heaven
hallowed be thy Name,
thy kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those
who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.
Lord our Father, please watch over Bill Sr. the father of my best friend. Keep him well at your side with his faithful companion Bomber. Understand his faults and forgive him his vices. He is a good and honorable man and he will stand at your side when he is called from this world. Knowing his son as I do I ask you try not to irritate him, the Irish have such ill tempers. If you feel the need to tame his spirit, a few shots of whiskey should suffice. His council will be indispensable as I am sure you know, after all, you did make him the man he is. Please guard his soul among your most cherished so that when his family arrives at your gates he and Bomber will be there to welcome them.
I ask this of you in the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit,
Amen.
I'm staying on here in Baghdad. Dad, when I saw him last on R&R pretty much said that we're not going to let anything like his death stop me from completeing the Mission. Charlie Mike. F.I.D.O. Fuck it. Drive on. Hard as hell, but necessary, as I'm STILL cleaning up the mess here from my R&R.
Cancer ate him up. I'm actually happy for him, if thats the correct term, nay, relieved as well that his suffering is over. I guess it was really bad at the end. Now, as Middle Country said, "He walks with the Angels."
Myself, I prefer Rhah from the movie "Platoon" and his philosophy: “And if there's a heaven and God I hope there is, I know he's sitting up there, drunk as a fucking monkey and smoking shit. Because he left his pains down here.” I'll miss you Dad.
More later... I had a LONG one I was working on the night before he died, and I'll throw it up later when it's appropriate. Until then, Peace, and tell your parents you love 'em while you can.
Monday, April 6, 2009
WTF? Home? Iraq had less problems...
OK Dear and Gentle Reader, The Intrepid Reporter is back and has all sorts of 'fun from the home front' stuff going on. Needless to say, I made it home for my well deserved R&R (Rest and Relaxation to you civvies) or my historical fave, I&I (Intercourse and Intoxication) both of which I've been attempting at a new land-speed record. Household Six and the Chilluns have been thrilled to have me home, but nonetheless, there have been a few 'wrinkles' in an otherwise pristine time.
What? Problems you say? Problems? Aye... A whooooole LOTTA identity theft of the I.R. and specifically my bank/debit Credit Card. Seems that for the past 5 years I've been bouncing around the Middle East and dealing with "The Ali Baba Credit and Trust" banks of the area. The Baghdad International Federal Credit Union issued me a personal draft good up to 40 Million Iraqi Dinar (which is worth about 450 pesos or 12 US Dollars when rounding up on the centavos, 'course if I get it in Canadian Dollars, we're talking enough to get a 12 Pack of Molson lite!) So anyways... here's the ole I.R. on vay-kay and I go and use my debit here stateside. Now the only issue I've ever had was ye Ole Bank of America sometimes freaks when my location changes, as in at 9am US Time I charge something in Kuwait, and then 10 hours later, I'm running a bar tab in the airport at Dulles. Usually a 2 minute call to the security folks is good enough to wrap up any questions, but this morning was a special case.
Now those of you following this here reportage know that I've discovered various watering holes in and around Baghdad. Another sure sign of a building economy is the "Intrepid Reporter Economic Progress Theory of Bar Expansion and Alchohol Availability." This Macroeconomic Theory dictates that the Success of an Economy can be Measured in A) Quantity of Boozing Locales and B) Quality of Beverage Available. The more places available = the more money being spent on booze and the quality of booze available = the more money people are willing to spend to get the "good stuff." Kuwait being a prime indicator of the facility of B) in that a bottle of Johnny Walker Black runs $200 a liter. But anyways, It'll need work, but suffice to say, I've been drawing $$$ USD specifically from the various ATMs and kiting checks through the on post exchange to insure a steady cash flow to insure proper lubrication of my synapses. In kiting the checks, I've been monitoring my check flow thru the web on a daily basis to insure that I don't bone the check cashing ability in that if you ricochette one with AFFES, you lose the $100 daily ability they provide.
Imagine my shock this morning when on opening the account, I find I'm in the hole over $300. This from a balance of over $2K. Looted you say? Aye I say... Yeah... Howabout them fuckin Apples? I spend years all over the world in the Center of Shady Central and I get ganked here in the Homeland? Fucking nice huh? Needless to say I went into "Red Alert: Money is missing" mode and called everyone and anyone and rifled through 40 different fraud departments and got damned near 80 % of the bogus charges KIA'd before they got spent out. The only problem was they wouldn't tell me who specifically or where specifically said bogus calls/charges came in from. I do KNOW that it's in Massachusetts from where one person slipped, but they did say I'd need a subpoena to get said info. Unfortunately, thats not a good idea in that my way of dealing with this would be the $99 flight into Boston and show up whatever Ghetto these scumfucks live in, and give them like 30 minutes to shit say, $50,000 USD or I'd have to kill them. Yeah, extortion and hell, considering how they pissed me off, I'd kill them out of hand anyways.
Eh... the only thing that'd be bad is having to dispose of the corpses. In Iraq, carcass-disposal means leaving a body in an orange jumpsuit minus a casaba. The Military and Dirty Haj take care of it from there. The military cleans it up, and the Dirty Haj take the blame, gleefully from what I've seen. Those assholes even tried to make a claim on the mass shooting at the Immigrant Center in New York.... Silly Haj, Massacres like that are done by homegrown psychos, not radical Islamic Wierdbeards. The average "wants to get into Paradise" fuckhead understands that if they WERE in fact to go after a 'soft target' like a mall or something "Mom and Apple Pie" like that, that we'd be all out in a bloodfest against them. THATS why I think they haven't done anything like that. Fact of the matter, the reason they DON'T go for the soft targets is that, besides the "Blue States" that generally are filled with their "Hug a Fucking Commie" filthy Anti-American bastions, the only thing left are Pro-American Red States, and the odds of them getting to cause mass mayhem are pretty slim, as generally the gun-toting folks (like myself) are armed to the teeth, and would live for a chance to slowly shoot one of the "Allahfucks" to pieces. I know I would. If they DID go after a Mall, in say Brookline MA (home to one of the LARGEST jewish populations outside of NYC) then the People of the Socialist Republic of Taxachusetts wouldn't be able to wring their collectivist hands at the oppression of the Hamas and other such things.... Killing Liberals only makes other Liberals into Conservatives, and we can't be having that now, Achmed can we? After all, the old saw of "A Liberal is a Conservative who hasn't been mugged yet." stands hard on that.
More later... I watch the unfolding "Mad Minute Massacres" nationwide with both horror and a sense that we're only seeing the beginning. Keeep your powder dry and remember that I told you here first that this's only the beginning of the "Summer of Madness"... More later y'all!
What? Problems you say? Problems? Aye... A whooooole LOTTA identity theft of the I.R. and specifically my bank/debit Credit Card. Seems that for the past 5 years I've been bouncing around the Middle East and dealing with "The Ali Baba Credit and Trust" banks of the area. The Baghdad International Federal Credit Union issued me a personal draft good up to 40 Million Iraqi Dinar (which is worth about 450 pesos or 12 US Dollars when rounding up on the centavos, 'course if I get it in Canadian Dollars, we're talking enough to get a 12 Pack of Molson lite!) So anyways... here's the ole I.R. on vay-kay and I go and use my debit here stateside. Now the only issue I've ever had was ye Ole Bank of America sometimes freaks when my location changes, as in at 9am US Time I charge something in Kuwait, and then 10 hours later, I'm running a bar tab in the airport at Dulles. Usually a 2 minute call to the security folks is good enough to wrap up any questions, but this morning was a special case.
Now those of you following this here reportage know that I've discovered various watering holes in and around Baghdad. Another sure sign of a building economy is the "Intrepid Reporter Economic Progress Theory of Bar Expansion and Alchohol Availability." This Macroeconomic Theory dictates that the Success of an Economy can be Measured in A) Quantity of Boozing Locales and B) Quality of Beverage Available. The more places available = the more money being spent on booze and the quality of booze available = the more money people are willing to spend to get the "good stuff." Kuwait being a prime indicator of the facility of B) in that a bottle of Johnny Walker Black runs $200 a liter. But anyways, It'll need work, but suffice to say, I've been drawing $$$ USD specifically from the various ATMs and kiting checks through the on post exchange to insure a steady cash flow to insure proper lubrication of my synapses. In kiting the checks, I've been monitoring my check flow thru the web on a daily basis to insure that I don't bone the check cashing ability in that if you ricochette one with AFFES, you lose the $100 daily ability they provide.
Imagine my shock this morning when on opening the account, I find I'm in the hole over $300. This from a balance of over $2K. Looted you say? Aye I say... Yeah... Howabout them fuckin Apples? I spend years all over the world in the Center of Shady Central and I get ganked here in the Homeland? Fucking nice huh? Needless to say I went into "Red Alert: Money is missing" mode and called everyone and anyone and rifled through 40 different fraud departments and got damned near 80 % of the bogus charges KIA'd before they got spent out. The only problem was they wouldn't tell me who specifically or where specifically said bogus calls/charges came in from. I do KNOW that it's in Massachusetts from where one person slipped, but they did say I'd need a subpoena to get said info. Unfortunately, thats not a good idea in that my way of dealing with this would be the $99 flight into Boston and show up whatever Ghetto these scumfucks live in, and give them like 30 minutes to shit say, $50,000 USD or I'd have to kill them. Yeah, extortion and hell, considering how they pissed me off, I'd kill them out of hand anyways.
Eh... the only thing that'd be bad is having to dispose of the corpses. In Iraq, carcass-disposal means leaving a body in an orange jumpsuit minus a casaba. The Military and Dirty Haj take care of it from there. The military cleans it up, and the Dirty Haj take the blame, gleefully from what I've seen. Those assholes even tried to make a claim on the mass shooting at the Immigrant Center in New York.... Silly Haj, Massacres like that are done by homegrown psychos, not radical Islamic Wierdbeards. The average "wants to get into Paradise" fuckhead understands that if they WERE in fact to go after a 'soft target' like a mall or something "Mom and Apple Pie" like that, that we'd be all out in a bloodfest against them. THATS why I think they haven't done anything like that. Fact of the matter, the reason they DON'T go for the soft targets is that, besides the "Blue States" that generally are filled with their "Hug a Fucking Commie" filthy Anti-American bastions, the only thing left are Pro-American Red States, and the odds of them getting to cause mass mayhem are pretty slim, as generally the gun-toting folks (like myself) are armed to the teeth, and would live for a chance to slowly shoot one of the "Allahfucks" to pieces. I know I would. If they DID go after a Mall, in say Brookline MA (home to one of the LARGEST jewish populations outside of NYC) then the People of the Socialist Republic of Taxachusetts wouldn't be able to wring their collectivist hands at the oppression of the Hamas and other such things.... Killing Liberals only makes other Liberals into Conservatives, and we can't be having that now, Achmed can we? After all, the old saw of "A Liberal is a Conservative who hasn't been mugged yet." stands hard on that.
More later... I watch the unfolding "Mad Minute Massacres" nationwide with both horror and a sense that we're only seeing the beginning. Keeep your powder dry and remember that I told you here first that this's only the beginning of the "Summer of Madness"... More later y'all!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
R&R
Whooo. OK How many days since my last posting? When was the last time I had internet? How about fucking hot water? Geez... So much has happened, and yet not. Well, lets get to the story as it stands now... Your Intrepid Reporter is in Baghdad, Land that Sanitation and Good Manners Forgot, and will be for the next 24 hours. Then, I sky.
YES!!!
R&R after 5 or so months... 5 and some change actually. Time to kick the dirt offa da bootz and roll to the House, Cold Beer, kids and a warm and (hopefully) Willing Wife... truthfully, she'd damned well better be willing after this long assed enforced celibacy... anyways... Well, lets see...
When we last left the IR, he'd been forced to work long hard assed hours. Nothings changed there. No time off, no internet and no fun. The only relief has been the occasional Extreme Sport of "Drinking Outside The Wire" at the Iraqi bars. A sport not for the faint of heart, nor even the fucking sane. Despite the Militarys enforcement of "No Booze No Fun No Sex" General Order Number One, which happens to end with a codicile written in 'weasel speak' (meaning lawyerese) that "And if we haven't thought of it and written it here, it too, is strictly prohibited." Well, despite that I say "Fuck it." and go for it. I mean what sort of Contractor would I be if I didn't bend the rules now and again? I mean hell... My wife sez there is no 'Black and White' with me, just 'Shades of Grey' as the Dead song goes. I mean as I say "No harm, no foul" then hey? Sometimes you just gotta say "What the fuck?"
Now before I quote Tom Cruise again, I'll pause to beat my head with a fucking mallet, and then I'll continue... So as I was saying, the internet has been totally dicked up lately. Only recently did the genuises I work with figure out how to get it running so I'm good. Fat lot of good of course, seeings that I'm leaving tomorrow, but given the option of staying? OH HELL NO! So yeah, I finally finished the Compound that I was tasked into costructing. Head Hajji Overseer again. Unlike the last job I did back in '04, this one was pretty smooth, albeit that we got ripped of by the Haj on our generators... they said they were new, but two days into the running of them, the fucking muffler broke off of one of them, and the other one runs like a fucking poorly tuned Asthmatic Yugo. Have you ever stood close to a 30K generator running flat out? Think LOUD. Like holy shit loud. Now, imagine it if you can, being even louder. The muffler keeps it so that you can think... without it? the damned thing sounds like a Kenworth running at 110 miles an hour flat out. LOUD LOUD. As in "shakes the fucking walls down" loud. So I get the blame.
Oh yeah... did I mention I have a new boss? I'll refrain from going off... lets just say he looks about a Large Long in an Orange Jumpsuit and I was pricing Machetes in the PX yesterday. Dude had better remember that this IS Iraq and accidents and "The Dirty Haj" do happen.
So yeah, I have to show one pic of the construction :
This is when they started to lay the T-Walls which are supposed to protect us from mortar and rocket attacks, and yes, the Hajji supervising is in fact digging deep in his asscrack. Yeah... "IMPORTANT Note to self... do NOT shake hands with the foreman." The dude kept working that hand there to the point it was obvious that he had 'something' wrong and man, there is just waaaaaaaay too much info just in the fact that I didn't INTEND on that picture being taken. I was snapping away and I happened to catch him at it, but considering the frequency that he was doing it, I'm surprised that ALL the pics of him didn't show "Mister Itchy Ass Haj" doing it in all of them.... Ugh... what a country...
So on other news... One serious note... According to GlobalSecurity dot Org, there have been 38 US Service men and women Killed/Named KIA since the Obamamessiah took office. How many of them have you heard of?
Ahhh thats right... you won't or haven't. The Mass Corporatemedia, also as I call them, the Demomediamania Mob, made up of the likes of the Communist News Network and such have downplayed the loss of our brave warriors. How many times did the media slavishly and completely run every single casualty when Bush was in office or when McCain was running for office, being dragged into the spotlight and laid bloody at the feet of the Republicans? How many families were devastated by these fucking vultures and scum-monkeys by being asked "How does it feel that your son/daughter died for George Bush's war?" Hmmn... like I said... it's time to target the media... physically. If you're a vet, the next time a newman comes over to you, just knock him the fuck out, or, if you're disabled, hose 'em down with Bear Mace. It's the least they deserve. I mean how many times did those Goddamned Vultures DEMAND the right to film at Delaware when the coffins were being offloaded? A couple of hundred that I could see. Now? Not so much. Fuckers. "Freedom of the press?" Howabout the freedom to kick your scummy fucking ass when I get the chance?
I'm truly disgusted. 38 of our best, killed, but no one fucking mention or honor... the Media Clowns used to cover every single death... granted they had an agenda, and I disagree the way they did it, but at least they still allowed America to see that our best had fallen, and allowed the rest of America to pause and maybe reflect, or even say -GASP- a prayer for them and/or for thier families...
Now these fucking douchebag fucking worms hide and bury the news, so as to not 'stain' their "Chosen One." I swear to God in Heaven that when I hit the States tomorrow, if theres a media crew there filming or asking or interviewing troops, I'll have a tough time restraining myself.
Anyways... gotta stop thinging about it... it gets the blood boiling and I got my Irish up so to speak. I'll leave it at this: I'm final;ly going to be home for a while, and am looking hard forward to it, so I may update when I'm there, but that remains to be seen... I'm just thrilled to be going home to my family, cold beer, hot, clean water and flushable toilets. No more blue water poo boxes for 3 weeks!!! Until then, I'll holler at you later!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
A Few Comparisons...
Ok Today Ladies and Gentlemen of the Studio Viewing audience, Your Intrepid Reporter of Fame and Legend is going to relate a few things I noticed in watching a Discovery Channel show the other night. Seems that this was a show talking all about "The Greatest Generation" and the entire World War Two experience as it were. This was a somewhat edjamacational show for those who aren't ardent students of history, but the part that got me, and what sort of teed me off was the constant harping on how "hard the troops of the line had it." And how it was soooooo tough and that the 'younger generations' couldn't 'appreciate the hardship that those troops had to endure.' I call Bullshit on that. They kept having intersperced interviews with some of the guys who were 'on the line' back in the day, but the overwhelming tone of the entire show was "you young folks don't have it as hard as we did back then!" sort of crap. The "I walked up two miles to school everyday, uphill, both ways, in a blizzard!" sort of bullshit. This got me to thinking, and speaking purely from a neutral point of view, those guys back then had it as cake compared to today. 
This picture I ruthlessly stole from a reinactor website for the 82nd Airborne. The reinactors claim total authenticity, and seeings it was a good shot, it shows how much "Battle Rattle" the grunts in 1944 had to hump. Now granted, the average load bearing gear back then compared to today was primative, but man... the amount of stuff these dudes have on what was called a "Routine Patrol Pictured" shows the basic combat load of an Airborne Infantryman in the field. Notice the Ammo pouches... 4 to a man, 2 on each side, one 'clip' per pouch. Each guy is also wearing a 'steel pot' with liner, and wearing a small rucksack. The weapons pictured are M1 Garands... heavy as hell but a solid 8 shot weapon. Also visable on one guy on the left is the sheath to a knife, probably a close cousin of the K-Bar the marines carried. Add one canteen per man, and realize they were operating in Europe in June...
This picture I ruthlessly stole from a reinactor website for the 82nd Airborne. The reinactors claim total authenticity, and seeings it was a good shot, it shows how much "Battle Rattle" the grunts in 1944 had to hump. Now granted, the average load bearing gear back then compared to today was primative, but man... the amount of stuff these dudes have on what was called a "Routine Patrol Pictured" shows the basic combat load of an Airborne Infantryman in the field. Notice the Ammo pouches... 4 to a man, 2 on each side, one 'clip' per pouch. Each guy is also wearing a 'steel pot' with liner, and wearing a small rucksack. The weapons pictured are M1 Garands... heavy as hell but a solid 8 shot weapon. Also visable on one guy on the left is the sheath to a knife, probably a close cousin of the K-Bar the marines carried. Add one canteen per man, and realize they were operating in Europe in June... 
Now: Compare this to the dudes from the 2nd Infantry Division in a picture shot in Iraq last year. It's not totally clear, but I know, from Experience, that these guys are saddled up in a Kevlar Vest with Plates that tips in ALONE at 50 to 72 pounds depending on the size. Thats just the body armor. Add in at least 3 ammo pouches/bandoliers of ammo holding 2-3 magazines at a pound apiece, throw in the rest of the gear, usually to include a CamelBack water carrier (3 liters of water) and the other ephemera that a grunt humps and ugh! Lets see "The Greatest Generation" take all that and hump it. Granted, the helmet and body armor help save lives, and they didn't have the high speed technology back in the day, but to have to wear ALL of that and in Iraq where the average mean temperature in the summer is like 120 degrees? Cut the "Generation X'ers" a bit of slack here gang! As a contractor I have to hump my own armor and helmet every time I go out on mission, and man, it shows me to be a fat and out of shape former grunt that I used to be. Hell... back in MY "Old Army Daze" WE didn't even have a set of armor like these kids are running around in, never mind suffering the heat while being basted in yer own juices while wearing this stuff. Add in that back in WW2, you KNEW who the 'bad guys' were, and usually where they were, and you were allowed to shoot them. Whereas our guys now are fighting a 4th Generation style conflict, where the 'bad guys' are invisible, and then, even then, shooting them might get you hemmed up and faced with a murder rap... even if it means saving your own peoples lives! To quote Martin Sheen in "Apocalyse Now": "Shit... charging a man with murder in this place was like handing out speeding tickets in the Indy 500."
Yeah, pluses and minuses to both eras... I'm not bashing the WW2 vets per se, but just in the portrayal that the media (AGAIN!) seems to like to do to our guys on a regular basis... Enough ranting on the media for the moment here.
Things here in Iraq have gotten off to a fucked up sort of start these days, but then again, worldwide, I have a feeling that we're building towards 'something.' That something isn't tangable, but considering the number of mass shootings in the States (10 in Alabama or some such place as of this morning) and the mass murder/suicides and shit thats happening all over because of the economy, stress and all the nasty business that the current Administration seems hell bent on creating in an attempt to create a socialist paradise, well then, it's enough to make a person like me a bit MORE paranoid than usual. I mean Hell, Iraq: Suicide Bombings two times in as many days, with Mass Casualties. Ireland: IRA assholes killing Tommies (Brit Troops) in an ambush and then killing a cop the next day. United States: Multiple Mass shootings in random areas at random times.
Mass Hysteria? Not yet, but definately the pressure is building. The Current Abomination...er Administration is also NOT helping matters worldwide. Between the "Hug Me Fuck Me" message that they keep sending out, and the outright fearmongering going on on the news to further his agenda, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. I'm in Iraq and I only see what the mass media feed me on AFN on the tube and what I can garner off of the web, and even I can see things are getting funky. The summer hasn't hit, and the economy keeps getting trashed out, taxes are about to hit the roof, and I got a hunch it's time to restockpile some shit as it's not looking too fucking rosy in the future. Think "Pre-9-11" stupidity. In June/July of 2001, I saw a similar trend of 'pressure building' that subsequently saw a 'pressure release' of 9-11 and the series of unending wars going on.
Now, in 2009, the economy is tanking, the wars are winding down, the gummint is broke and looking to tax the ever loving shit out of anything that moves, all the while taking over whats LEFT of the free market, and man, It don't look good. Me, I say stock up on food and essentials cause they ain't gonna be around much longer... Just look at gun sales... even the 'common herd' is spooked, and the people in power know it. As the Chinese Curse goes "May you live in interesting times..."
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