Maybe I spoke to fucking soon....

The IR here again for a short update... Man... WTF is it about me and speaking my fucking mind? I must have been born brain damaged or under a fucked up sign... Here I am, Back In Baghdad, formwerly known as the Saddam-A-Go-Go, and things have been quiet.

Too quiet as it were.

Last Evening we're out having our first bar-b-que, and yes, the famous "Big Country Ribs" were being featured. Granted, I was showing off my culinary skills, and the fact that I'm out at 8 at night, bbq'in and theres nothing happening except good food, cool drinks and some cute babes rolling through, well, all was good and happy. I even commented on how absolutely quiet it's been, which of course just like in the movies, means the fucking killer/monster/whatever is about to jump out within a minute.....

BBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!

Followed by a long line of what appeared to be laser fire of rubies tracing across the sky... and then of course the obligatory siren, and of course, the follow on "Crump!" of the shell hitting. Yep.

We had our first Mortar attack since fucking June tonight, and it spooked me minorly… as in not the mortar round but the fucking CIWS gatling gun ripping loose… I didn’t expect that shit and damned if I didn’t jump a mile… they never had that shit in 04 and 05, so damn dude… what a surprise that shit was. I was more frightened by the defensive outgoing than the fucking incoming! LMAO!!! Go figure that its on a night I’m partying (first time since I’ve been here) that the fucking Dirty Haj lob a shell at us… fuckers…

It seems the outgoing is the one thing that the navy provides here on many bases as defensive arty as one would say.

Some mad genius decided that the Phalanx AEGIS Close In Weapons System that defends our boats from incoming missles might work when mounted on the ground... which is exactly what they did. They took 'em of decommissioned boats and put 'em on a flatbed. a 20mm Gatling cannon mounted and when the radar, if it has time to catch it, lets this fucking madman's creation Spray out a wall of lead in the direction of the incoming round. Now, a great idea, an excellent concept, but as I heard last night, it doesn't always get the incoming... in this case, judging from the 'crump' of impact, I'd say it was because it was a small mortar, probably a 60mm... no larger.

And it figures that the Dirty Haj had to do this shit on my first night of partying... go figure huh? The light show was pretty, but damn, like I said, I was moore spooked by the outgoing than the incoming. Where you figure that the mix is usually one-in-five tracer to regular round, and what I saw would put George Lucas to shame, God Bless the Navy and the mad appetite of that 20mm Monster. I'd hanker they probably with that 'squirt' of 6 second fired about 2000 rounds. Like I said... I was more spooked by the outgoing than the incoming.

The good news (thusfar) is that there was no apparent injuries and the round just was one of those "Hey assholes we're still here." harassments. I'll be happy when they go out and nuke the part of town that it was lobbed from, as it's in a direct line from my trailer, and the last thing I want is the Dirty Haj to be lobbin any more shells over my crib ya know?

Otherwise, more later.

Victory In Iraq

Bob Owens and a slew of other have pretty much declared the 22nd as "Victory in Iraq" day and I couldn't agree more. It's so quiet here I overslept this morning, and I think I'll have a lazy Sunday, so check out Bob at http://confederateyankee.mu.nu/ and enjoy the fact that I'm safe, sound and realistically mellow here.

Oh Wow man.... Like WOW!

OK ladies and gents of the studio viewing audience... I'm in Baghdad and my brain is somewhere in the Matrix, and I'm sure somewhere in there I went completely friggin bonkers... either that or I'm sitting in a padded cell somewhere waiting in a haze for the docs to come in and either dose me with my next med or to complete the lobotomy... I'll explain as we go...

OK... when last we left the Intrepid Reporter of Baghdad Fame, he was overwhelmed by the sights, sounds and yes, even the smells of Baghdad. To whit, 2 out of the 3 things have changed, and 1 hasn't. I'll give you a hint... back in the day, ('04 to '05) Lil Country and I used to begin the day with the following scene:
Scene One:
Setting: The cab of a Ford F250 King Cab, two contractors Big Country and Lil Country climb in and start the vehicle.
Big C, (sniffing air loudly): "Dude, did you shit?"
Lil C, (looking offended): "Naw dude, that’s just Iraq!"
END SCENE
Yes, the smells are still the same, a piquant aroma of burning plastic, trash and the heady undercurrent of urine and dried human feces... think of an open sewer, then add some 'spice' to it. Nice huh? However, it’s the ONLY thing that remains the same.

The changes here are insane. No gunfire other than the ranges, which seem to be going on almost ALL the time. I can tell a range from a gunfight as the range has nice orderly pauses in the automatic fire... time for them to reload and aim carefully for the next set of targets. The sounds of a running gunfight tends to blend together and multiple calibers can be easily distinguished... as they said in Heartbreak Ridge "That is the sound of the AK-47 assault rifle, the preferred weapon of our enemy, which makes a distinctive sound when fired at you!" Truer words have never been spoken. So anyways, the ranges are going full time, and amazingly, the Iraqi Army is ALL over the place, and not only that, they are NOT wearing baclavas.

The dork in the back wants to know what a baklava is and why would the Iraqis be wearing Greek Pastry? Sheesh it takes all fucking kinds don’t it? OK. The baclava is pretty much a ski mask ok? Difference between a ski mask and a tactical baclava is that a tactical one is usually made of nomex, which (theoretically) is fireproof, or at least extremely fire resistant and flash resistant. Important things in the soldiering biddness as it were. The importance here is the Iraqis, besides not wanting to lose their rather copious eyebrowz is that they needed to hide their identities. The fact is, back in 04 and 05, if a dude was ID’d as an Iraqi National Guard or Police working with the dirty Invading Christian American Crusaders (their words, not mine!) then not only they would be at risk, but the cowardly fucks who were part of the insurgency would go after their families, hence the need to cover up and hide their identities.

Not anymore however. All the guys I saw going out to do the dirty to the bad guys last night were wearing only Body Armor and weapons… and quite a few fucking weapons I might add. All were carrying M-4 or M-16s which shows how far they’ve come from the days of the ubiquitous AK 47. They looked professional, and truth be told, mean as fuck. Like pissed off and ready to take back and KEEP their country. I wish I could feel bad for the insurgents, but I can’t so fuck ‘em!

Other things… ah yes.. part of the reason I’m sure I’m in a padded cell somewhere… well I was staying for a short period of time (my ‘acclimatization’ as it were) out at another company’s AO. That was good until I was evicted to Camp Victory… specifically Camp Liberty. I had to go down to the ‘Mayors’ Cell’ which is sort of the control and commander for all of the trailer parks here in the base. I went in and the kindly Master SGT hooked me up with a room. The trailer in question is supposed to be close to where I’m constructing a base of operations for the new company. The key had “6-441A-B” written on it which means Pad 6, Trailer 441, room either A or B.

Pad 6 is where I used to live in 04 and 05. I wasn’t prepared however, for the shocker of a lifetime, which goes to prove that I’m either permanently insane, or I’m actually in the Matrix, inside a tube or red goo with wires up my ass, powering a super genius computer or some such shit.

441 was the EXACT SAME TRAILER AND ROOM I lived in back in 04 and 05.

I’m officially ‘blown away’ now because of this. I’m temporarily in what used to be Lil Country’s “Blue Room” until I can move back into what we used to call “The Ponderosa” come Sunday. My old room is currently being used by some of our temp help, so Sunday I move back “Home” so to speak. Tell me I’m not tripping please?

Ok, besides that, I’ll go into some more later without compromising security. Needless to say, this is the EASIEST money I’ve ever made, and the danger is FAR over rated. I’ll holler more soon, and until then, I remain, The Intrepid Reporter.

OK... Where am I again?

Jesus wept. You go to sleep on an airplane that stated the destination as "Baghdad" and you wake up somewhere over the fucking rainbow...

Yepper dear readers, the Intrepid Reporter is back in Baghdad... formerly known as the "Club Saddam-A-Go-Go" and it being the favorite third world shooting gallery for Al Queda and the other refuse from the Slums of Syria and Pitfalls of Palestine... well let me tell you... things changed

A LOT.

Got me a hunch that the current IR Reports are going to be a hell of a lot more boring than my writings of yesteryear in '04 and '05. Hell, even '06 with the "Today I washed my sox and my ass during a rocket attack." being the highlights are going to seem positively electric compared to this snoozefest.

INSANELY changed doesn’t begin to describe this place. I’ve landing in Baghdad under fire before and watched random acts of anti-aircraft fire overhead as the locals would try and unsuccessfully utilize old triple a flak guns… I’ve seen Baghdad under lock and key so to speak throughout 04 and 05. NUTHIN and I do mean NUTHIN can begin to describe the change. Quick observations included the fact that the city was all lit up where it had never been before. Try standing on the runway and not having to worry about random acts of rockets, mortars and suchlike. Try no body armor seen on anyone anywhere since I’ve been here… This place is so laid back its stupid... Hell the place I'm currently dossing used to be considered "Indian Country" back in '04... as in the insurgents used to infiltrate through this very area that I'm staying in and try to ambush mo'fo's as they tooled down the hardball...

Either way, my itty bitty mind is officially stated in the condition of "Blown" and I have NO idea what tomorrow will hold. I'll do a more in depth analysis later. Until then, I'll holler atcha.

More and More Fun...

Election night and man, I'm wasted... so far as it would seem from my perspective that this election is doing EXACTLY the thing that the DummycRats cried about in '04 and '00. That being that the candidate who won the 'popular election' should have been given the reins of power...

Wonder how long THAT particular bit, as my Irish Gran would call a "pile o' shytte" will last once the Obamamessiah has won the electoral but not the popular vote? Amazing how the memory hole works that way eh? Lets face it... the media will call ANYONE a sore loser who attempts to link the election to a popularity contest... either that or by dawn they'll have jiggered the tally to show the "Chosen One" won the whole shebang.

My guess is that Obama will win, unfortunately. In as much as the average brain dead college student and minorities have jumped on the band wagon... seeing the highest amount of minority turnout in history... evar as they say, well, Judging that "Guilt Ridden Libtards" and the rest of the minorities (as in minorities compared to the rest of the country) have this all sewn up. The fact is that NY and CA and some of the biggest states have what I consider a far to heavy weight in the voting block. Reality is that we should be able to cut that by 1/2 in order for it to be particularly 'fair and balanced.'

But fuck, I'm drunk and rather pleased. I bought Household 6 a new fridge today... new/used would be a better term. Shes insanely pleased as its only six months old... we bought it from freinds who decided that Florida wasn't the place for them. They moved here from Massachusetts only like six or eight months ago and are bailing...right before winter... leaving HERE for where it snows or already has snowed... Here where some broads still wear short shorts on the daily walk...

Confused?

Yeah... me too. However, the good side is I profit. As Lt. JG Nicholas Holden said in "Operation Petticoat": "In confusion, there is profit!" New fridge anyone? This also allowed me to make a small purchase for myself... tit for tat so to speak. Specifically: I bought myself a new M-4 Carbine.

Yepper... note to you guys out there with domestic issues... if you want to buy a new fishing rod/gun/bowling ball... buy her a new fridge/washer/dryer/dishwasher... after that you could buy a massage from a Chinese whore and get away with it.

So yeah, new gun, new fridge and hey fuck it, new president... either way two out of three ain't bad I suppose. The latest is that I'm out of here on Saturday Morning for Fort Benning Georgia. No fucking fun with that. I'd rather sit in the front row of a Liza Minelli concert... wait wait wait... scratch that... I'd have to self-immolate myself before that would happen. The plan stands that I'm going to be over in Baghdad on November 16th. The BEST part is I'm flying first class all the way. It's nice to have finally gotten the brass ring so to speak. I hope like hell things stay relatively stable for the next few months as I'm trying to angle this gig into a job that will allow me to go overseas and continue to come home waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more regularly for fun and games as one would say.

Anyways... enough for now... Later I'll go into how the Obama Election is helping the firearms industry...

Booze and Beer RULE!!!

OK: Lately it's NOT the most sobrietious set of postings... to be clean about it, I've been fucked up from the neck up nonstop since I've been home. Booze is your friend... booze is good. The only real complaint I have is because of genetic mutation (Lots of inbreeding in the Irish side of the family tree) is that I have four, count 'em FOUR (4) fully formed and functional kidneys. They found them during my full body MRI a few years back... a bit uncommon, but not unheard of. Yep... the old IR has an extra 100K worth of organs floating around in his carcass, leastways according to my Indian friends who know about Black Market Organ Transplants. I've been told that as a white male, under the age of 40, well, lets just say my organs are worth about 50 grand a shot. Well, that might be fine n' dandy for the folks who NEED a kidney, but the 'normal route' of hijacking and "Drugging and Carving" ain't happening on my watch. Hell... I look forward to some demented asshole who thinks that they can either A) Drug Me or B) Cut out my shit while I'm still breathing. Either choice is an "E Ticket" ride to the morgue. Drugging me? HA HA HA!!! Drugging me is only going to piss me off AND get me high. And B)? Bad move. Especially since I've now officially killed more motherfuckers than Anthrax. (and that means the bio-war agent, not the 80's hair band) Who wants to party?

Me? Well I'm personally annoyed that my internal 'filtration system' is so good that it costs me double the amount in booze and bucks that it should to get me boogered, but hell, what with a "4 Barrel Carb" versus a "2 Barrel Carb" I'll take the extra like any other dude would. Besides, it means like NO hangovers thusfar. This is worth the price of admissions for now.

OK Otherwise, I've been getting prepped for the new gig and ready to deploy downrange. This Pic here posted is of me and my daughter. My Pnut as it were. Any sick fucker out there had better realize that if they even LOOK at her askance, I'll slowly roast them over an open fire for fun. (And I do mean slowly... never, ever test an insane person... it only sets new goals for us to exceed) The rifle is my Accuracy International 300 Winchester Magnum which will reduce a normal human's head to a vaporized paste with one shot.

Anyone want to dance?

It cost near as much as my pickup, but then again, a contractor needs good tools... mine just happen to kill at extreeeeeeeeeme distances and with explosive force. (300 Win. Mag. is a big fucking bullet!)

NOW Speaking of insane shit... I recently had to bag out of my 20th High School Reunion because of the new mission. I posted my lil web blog on the reunion website in hopes that some of my former classmates might find this fun and entertaining. The others, well, we'll leave that there... better not to speak of some seriously fucked up people. And, yeah, you know who you are, and you are alive STRICTLY because I have a forgiving nature.

My reason is, as I spoke earlier of my sniper training (One Shot, One Kill, Ft Benning) and propensity for long distance harm, when thinking about my reunion and High School in general, I remembered the scene from "Billy Madison." Specifically the scene with Steve Buscemi as the geek who was picked on 'way back in the day' that Billy eventually phones and apologizes to. Yeah... I totally was that kid, meaning the picked on bastard... Buscemi then crosses him "off the list" and as the movie works to the finale, Buscemi actually shoots the 'bad guy' who was on the head of the list. Thats great in fantasy... with me, I would have shot them both through the fucking casaba and felt nothing but recoil...

Me, I never made a list, but in the back of my head, particularly as I was a "geek" or an "untouchable" its a good thing I don't hold a hardcore grudge, or leastways have mellowed enough for me to NOT hold a grudge. Realistically, these days, I've found God, and my family. If I didn't have that, then it'd be a whole different world...

Keep in mind to be kind...

I drill my kids on it every day. Needless to say, I never recieved that "phone call asking for forgiveness" and realistically, I'm still bent over some of the shit I went through. The fact that our 20th reunion is now, it's brought back some memories that STILL fucking piss me off, and that that some of the fucking scumbags who were TOTAL fucking cocksmiths to me NEVER got the proper payback... well, hell... I'm still bitter, pissed off, and NOW thankful for a government who trained me to be a stone cold fucking killer... I'll leave it to G*d now... vengence being His and all that... unless I get picked to be His tool... But anyways...

Lets be thankfull that I've mellowed out in my old age AND that I can't make the reunion as I'll be 'busy' in the Middle East. As some say, Thank G*d for small favors. I hope the reunion goes well, but I'm also glad to NOT be there as I really would have trouble resisting the urge to beat the fucking shit out of certain individuals or shoot them outright because as my wife says, I lack impulse control over my base emotions.

Anyways, not to go too pyschoanalytical... High School for most people sucked, but for me, I'd rather spend four years in Guantanamo Bay as a prisoner... and I say this as a former jailer... thats how bad it was. As the Irish say (which I am) "Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold."

Drunkblogging and Other Entertainment

Aight....

I'm back... back and loaded. Locked, Cocked and Loaded with bile and ammo to spare. I'm back in the fucking God Bless America Fuck the Rest of the World United States of Fuckin' America. And if the overuse of profanity offends you, then fuck you, you shouldn't be reading this then.

Reality Check: I got out of Kuwait by doing whats called an "Executive Email Carpet Bomb." This means I sent a "Hey I'm getting fucked" email to the CEO, the CFO, the COO and every single asshole who was an Executive Vice President in the ENTIRE company. Yeah... I sent out a "Hey I'm quitting but are you aware that your dirty assed employees are doing shit that could get you put in jail?" email. That and the lines of "I'm CC'ing my Lawyer and My Brother the Special Agent at the Office of the Inspector General as well." might have had something to do with it.

Now, granted, Hud ain't part of the Department of Defense Inspector General's Office, but he IS an I.G. Special Agent (read Nazi Bastard in the Governments lingo) and by his own words "knows people" and that might have helped me out. The reason being that a Special Agent in the Orifice of The Inspector General is about as popular as a fat bitch at a Catholic Junior High School dance... someone has to dance with her, and if you don't then yer fucked. Namedropping Hud's name and position is a major help in my line of work, especially as they, my crooked assed former employers, knew that to chance having and IG look at them it to invite disaster.

So, last week on Thursday I hit the US and have been drunk since. Drunk and laid I might add. Yep. Been physically assaulting with the intent to impregnate if I had the option. Not that I have to worry about making a baby as I got chopped long ago after kinder #2, as the P'Nut shortly showed up, but trying is 90% of the fun involved.

Today I started with my new company. Got treated like Royalty too.... Mr Big Country as they were calling me... I'll fill you in on it later, but so far, so good. I'll cut this short as I'm working on Buzz Number 20 now, but I'll try to give some political views later... Lots going on, and I found out my Military Mail In Vote was propbably shitcanned... so the election shows that it's goiung to be crooked as hell, and I'll get into it later. Until then, Peace and Party Time!